The Connected Collected Stylings of Lifetime Club Members Oliver Cassidy, Victor Lembrey, Robert McEvily, Kid Nougat, Maven Quibble, and Director of Publicity Ivy Dillinger

20040930

The Rhubarb

Political Awareness by Victor Lembrey



Tonight, it's your civic duty to check out the first of three debates between President Bush and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. The action takes place at the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. Chuck Hagel, a Republican Senator from Nebraska, has already weighed in. "I think both these campaigns have let this country down," he said. "The most important issue to address is how to repair America's standing in the world."



When reached for comment, 22-year-old twirling expert Melissa Marcus, who, as Miss University of Miami, hopes to prevent obesity in children, replied, "Does this mean I can't watch Survivor?

Bad Call on "Apprentice"

Follow-Up by Ivy Dillinger
Director of Publicity, BDFC



"Jennifer C.," a deluded, bitchy dimwit, was fired last night by Donald Trump, thereby ruining Robert McEvily's bold prediction she'd emerge victorious on the popular reality show. "Cut me some slack," said McEvily. "Her bio failed to mention 'stupid ass' and 'racist.'"

"The Kali-Man" Hides Comment

Blogger News by Victor Lembrey
Assignment Reporter, BDFC



In what appears to be an act of yellow-bellied cowardice, "The Kali-Man," a self-proclaimed "keeper of useless facts," has removed a comment from Good Point, Vol. 2, a post in the Beaver Dam French Club. The comment - "Just keep flashing those legs, baby." - was apparently in reference to "Purging Peters," a different post in the Club which included the following image...



Was "The Kali-Man" afraid his wife/girlfriend/mother might see his comment? Was he - upon further reflection - ashamed of his chauvinistic, misogynistic rhetoric? Only "The Kali-Man" can say for sure.

We here at the BDFC look forward to his explanation.

(Down with censorship!)

Unworkable

A Poem by Oliver Cassidy



To someone on the phone, she said,
"When you're on your deathbed,
You have to make a change."
And I thought
Change what?
What's the difference?

20040929

Insulting the Nine Twenty-Niners

Aggressive, Misdirected Abuse by Kid Nougat



In honor of September 29th (which, for all you knuckleheads out there, is today), I've decided to trash a bunch of people who share this date as their birthday. So let's roll and talk some smack!



Wow, Anita Ekberg! Well, well, well. You think you're so attractive with your curvy-curves and your massive boobs and whatnot. Right? Right? Well, guess what? You're 73! Seventy-three! Let's see you shake your groove thing now, Granny! YUCK!



Well, lookie here! Mr. Ian McShane! Remember when you played Judas in Jesus of Nazareth and you sold out the Son of God for some silver? Still feelin' happy about that decision? You better pray you don't cross paths with the Kid. I will punch you right in the nose! WHAM! And then I'll punch you AGAIN! Happy 62nd, you two-faced bastard!



Whoa! If it isn't Natasha Gregson Wagner, little miss "I'm Natalie Wood's daughter." I bet you think you're so cool there hugging Robert Downey, Jr., huh? I bet Heather Graham wants to PUNCH YOU OUT! Why don't you make like your mom and jump off a boat! 34 years of riding your parents' coattails is long enough!



Holy crap, it's Drake Hogestyn - John Black from Days of Our Lives! Dude, at 51, it's time to start dressing your age, know what I'm sayin'? Enough with the "top three buttons unbuttoned" thing. And learn how to act already! Jeeze!



Bryant Gumbel, you smug dickhead! With your ego, 56 has GOTTA hurt! You're zoomin' toward 60! Not so cool now, are you? Are you? What? You won't answer me? See? You are SUCH a smug dickhead! And your name sounds like "gum ball." Chew on THAT!



Dice Clay? Are you kidding me? Are you still alive? It says here you're 46. Well... whatever. Happy Birthday. I always thought you were pretty funny. Just misunderstood.

Aren't we all?

20040928

Comparing CSIs

A Poll by Victor Lembrey
Entertainment Reporter, BDFC



If you've seen them, you know there's something reassuring about the CSI shows (now on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights - wow). Mysteries are analyzed and explained, the guilty are punished, and they're proof positive that at least some scripted shows can still draw big numbers. Without further adieu, here now are the results of the Official Beaver Dam French Club CSI Poll...



BEST SHOW FOR OVERALL ENTERTAINMENT
CSI: Miami
CSI
CSI: New York



MOST BELIEVABLE INVESTIGATOR
William Peterson, CSI
Rory Cochrane*, CSI: Miami
Gary Sinise, CSI: New York



LEAST BELIEVABLE INVESTIGATOR
Sofia Milos, CSI: Miami
David Caruso, CSI: Miami
Carmine Giovinazzo, CSI: New York



HOTTEST MALE
Gary Dourdan, CSI
Adam Rodriguez, CSI: Miami
David Caruso, CSI: Miami



HOTTEST FEMALE
Emily Proctor, CSI: Miami
Vanessa Furlito, CSI: New York
Sofia Milos, CSI: Miami



BEST "WHO" THEME
"Won't Get Fooled Again" - CSI: Miami
"Who Are You?" - CSI
"Baba O'Reilly" - CSI: New York

*Killed in season premiere, RIP.

20040927

The Deep Blue Sea

A Children's Bedtime Story by Maven Quibble



Hi everyone! Feel free to tell this story (which I wrote myself) to your little ones at bedtime. Trust me, they'll love it!



The ocean is filled with horrible creatures, many of whom can kill you. There are sharks that can bite you in half, sharks that can easily swallow you whole. A giant squid can spy you with a volleyball-sized eye, grab your foot with an outstretched arm, and pull you just below the surface - just far enough that the water covers your face, fills your nostrils and mouth, and drowns you. Eels can wrap their smooth slimy skin around your neck and strangle you. Be sure of this if nothing else: the ocean is an extremely dangerous place.

Okay, sleep tight. And remember, we have church tomorrow, so get up early. Night!

20040924

Good Point, Vol. 2

Poetry by Oliver Cassidy
Author of Good Point, Vol. 1



When you're running late
Don't bother to make it on time.
Why bother to make it on time?
It's much, much better to be very, very late.
Ridiculously late.
Like hours and hours late.

Have a leisurely breakfast.
Read a book.
See a movie.
Go shopping.
Make your time your own.



But the excuse...
Hmmm.
That's the only headache.
The friggin' excuse.
What do you say to everyone?
Why were you hours and hours late?
Where were you?
Why didn't you call?
How could you be so irresponsible?

Ug. The excuse.



Master the excuse and you've mastered life.

20040923

The Work

An Opinion by Robert McEvily



If you're in a relationship, it's important to remind yourself as often as necessary that it's worth the work. And yes, relationships are work, despite the opinions of the young and oblivious.

Like most guys, I'm not a great communicator. I hate the phone, I hate explaining myself, I just hate small talk in general. My girlfriend, like most women, loves to talk. About her friends. About her hair. About the upcoming election. About everything.

This is not a good mix.

At my worst, I'm short-tempered, self-absorbed, stubborn and immature. At my best, I'm a good listener, fair-minded, non-judgmental and dynamite in the sack. (What, you don't believe me? COME HERE AND I'LL SHOW YOU!)

Sometimes I think how nice it'd be to be alone again. Have the time I need for myself. All the time in the world. The time to write and think and draw and paint and goof off and watch sports and work out and learn Italian and on and on and on. The time to better myself. But then I think about life without her, truly without her. Without her juicy ass and attention to detail and unexpected warmth and occasional shyness. Yes, we fight and I hate it, but I really just need to get over myself. The grass ain't greener, kids. Relationships are what you make them. They're work, and they're worth the work. THEY'RE WORTH THE WORK GODDAMMIT!



Be nicer to your partner.

There. Lecture over.

20040922

Oops! She Did It Again!

Concern by Victor Lembrey
Entertainment Reporter, BDFC



I'm talkin' 'bout Britney Spears's mother! How can you let your daughter get married twice in the same year? Where's the parental guidance? Where's the love? My God, where's the insistence that she at least sign a pre-nup before roping herself to a deadbeat dad? Am I off-base here? Am I too concerned with trivial matters?

Uh... am I just looking for an excuse to post some juicy pictures?



Still though, I have a point. Don't you think?

20040921

Purging Peters

A Tease by Ivy Dillinger



I did a funny thing to Mr. Peters. I noticed he stared at my legs a lot. So I'd wear different stockings every day to distract him. To get away with murder. Other people wound up doing my job. I passed the time flipping through catalogs and magazines. Naturally, everyone started to complain. I took two, sometimes three hour lunches. All because of my legs.

When Mr. Peters was fired, I giggled. Don't you think that's so funny?

Peacemeal

Cathartic Negativity by Victor Lembrey



"The concept of peace is retarded. Always gonna be someone to muck it up."
-Gregory Curtain (an annoying guy I know)



Well? Have you heard? If not, here you go... Today, September 21st, is considered "The International Day of Peace." [Insert sarcastic comment here.] It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981 (and first celebrated the following year). The day is supposed to "serve as a reminder of our permanent commitment to peace, above all interests and differences of any kind." (I guess Hallmark forgot to highlight it on their '01 calendars.)

At the moment, I'm in a bad mood, but even if I wasn't, I'd agree with the annoying guy I know. Who's kidding who with this peace crap? Babies throw sippy cups at each other. They throw shit-fits. Then they become adults. What changes? "Give peace a chance," said John Lennon. Then, ka-BOOM.



Incidentally, ironically, today was the birthday of H.G. Wells. Now there was a guy perfectly suited to write about international peace - a master of science fiction.

20040920

The Different Ways Men Handle It

Flash Fiction by Oliver Cassidy
Author of The Pride of Iceland



HEY MOTORISTS! the billboard screamed. CHECK IT OUT! PICTURES OF MY WIFE CHLOE FUCKING GARY LUCIEN, ESQ.!

The crude declaration was in a prime spot on the southbound side of the New Jersey Turnpike, high above exit 13A. Anyone on their way from the city to pick up some shelves or a sofa from IKEA could see it clearly. Under the stark black lettering was a giant web address painted in red on a stained bed sheet. The whole mess was up for close to two full days before the New Jersey Department of Transportation finally sent workmen to take it down.

"Makes me think," said one of the workmen as he loosened his belt, preparing to climb.

"Think?" said his buddy.

"You know, what I'd do if my wife stepped out or whatever."

"Oh. Yeah."

"Pretty funny."

"This?"

"Yeah."

"Mmm."

"Creative, huh?"

"Yep."

"Not so funny otherwise."

"Nah," said the buddy. He spit in a puddle and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"You check out the site?"

"Not yet,” said the buddy. He glanced upward and memorized the web address. “Guy's been arrested I heard."

“Sucks, man. Goddamn lawyer shoulda been arrested."

They worked in silence from then on and removed everything. The patchwork billboard, the loosely-fastened sheet – took them just forty minutes. Afterward, during a lunch break, the first workman privately called Sam's Gun Shop in Bayonne and made some inquiries.

20040919

The Plight of Cherokee Sulfur

Commentary by Robert McEvily



There’s a black man I spot from time to time when I’m driving at the top of the southbound side of the FDR. (Been by lately? You’ve probably seen him yourself.) He’s either a nut-job or an unrecognized artistic wunderkind. (As you know, I live dangerously, so I decided to find out which.)

"Wunderkind" may be inaccurate – he’s not young. But the guy’s creative in that youthful, abstract, "I don’t get what the hell this guy’s trying to say" way. He’s an artist, I believe that. He looks unwashed and he’s occasionally bug-eyed, which makes him look dangerous, so, again, with this descriptive reinforcement, I’m certain he’s an artist.



You spot his work under the Willis Avenue Bridge as you roll into merging traffic, especially when you’re in the right lane. His canvas is the little traffic triangle created by the on-ramp extending from 125th Street. Random, discarded items – tables, wrecked watermelons, yards of rope, etc. – are arranged into alarming images. His genius (if intentional) is the traffic inclusion. Because you're driving, you can only view his work in small chunks, in fleeting glimpses. It’s dreamlike and weird. It’s fun, too. Empty boxes of cereal aligned beneath a hand-painted sign that reads CHEROKEE KNOWS THE WAY. Political statements you can’t quite make out. Headless dummies playing cards. All out in the open.

During the moments your car’s in his zone, you can’t help but wonder about art and fairness and dedication. Who is this guy? And why is he doing this? (He sure as hell ain't gettin' paid.) Sometimes he includes his very own crazy self as a piece of living art in his preposterous scenes. He’ll stand frozen, holding something hidden. You’ll strain to look but you’ll never see it, unless you’re willing to plow into the car before you. I started calling him "Cherokee" because of the sign I described. Then one day, while traffic stopped me right next to him (as he sat on an overturned garbage can, not unlike Rodin’s Thinker), I rolled down my window and asked him his name. Quickly – so quickly he frightened the hell out of me – he rose and started lighting matches from a matchbook. He tossed them wildly in the air. Now I call him "Cherokee Sulfur."



I checked out Matthew Barney’s "Cremaster Cycle" at the Guggenheim last year and I felt like an idiot. Others who’d paid the entrance fee appeared reflective, entranced, moved. I was baffled. I was entertained, but I was baffled. And I couldn’t help thinking of Cherokee Sulfur. HIS stuff would just kill here! A perfect fit. A Barbie reading Glamour on a broken chair? She could’ve easily found a home in the "Cycle." If Sulfur himself were behind the chair, climbing the walls and screaming, that would’ve been perfect too. But no such opportunity, no such recognition. Such is life, though. Who among us isn’t under-appreciated? I know I am. I’m so kick-ass it’s ridiculous. You should see me – you’d faint. Where the hell are MY props?

The plight of Cherokee Sulfur is the plight of the Everyman. We grind it out day after day, hoping someone will notice our hand-painted signs.

20040917

The Romanian

Fiction by Ivy Dillinger



The Romanian strode through the hotel lobby, driven by single-mindedness and shapely legs. Her hips swayed and strained against her black leather mini-skirt; each step landed slightly inside its predecessor. Under a black raincoat, she wore a white bra, black panties, flesh-colored stockings, and black, three-inch pumps. The pumps clacked on the hardwood floor with military-like precision, and caught the attention of the concierge. (At 60, the concierge – who for the last ten years had difficulty getting hard without Viagra – was surprised to feel the instant stirring of an eventual rod. Afterward, while describing the woman to the police, he mentioned how he couldn't remember the last time he'd stiffened so quickly, simply on sight.) The concierge stared at her body without pretense. As she glided by, her breasts bounced tightly, like overfilled water balloons. Her ass was impossibly high. She looked like a seasoned fitness model dominating a catwalk.

Like most models, she looked pissed. She looked determined.



Hers was the voice men heard when they phoned the Amazon Ball Breakers' hotline – an escort service specializing in domination role-play. In a girlish whisper, she promised to "completely transform any man’s face" into her own "personal seat cushion." She promised other things as well.



She took the hotel’s elevator to the fourth floor for a midnight appointment. (Two hours earlier, she’d been at her gym for a "light workout:" a five mile run at a 6:30 pace, five sets of twelve reps on the shoulder press lifting eighty pounds, and a thousand crunches.) She glanced at her watch as the elevator doors opened. Right on schedule. She entered the hallway, stood motionless, and waited.



The door to room 412 opened, and a man stepped out into the hallway. He saw the woman, watched her as she approached, then smiled and waved. The man was drunk – he began to teeter. The woman stopped just short of him, parted her raincoat by placing her hands on her hips, shifted her weight to one leg, and began to tap her toes. The man examined her legs. He unzipped and began to touch himself.

"Jesus," he said. "You’re six feet tall. At least."

The woman said nothing. She continued to tap her toes.

"You’re the Romanian, right?"

More toe tapping.

"Want a drink?"

The woman grabbed the back of his neck. She forced him to his knees and placed his head between her thighs. She squeezed just enough to hold him in place. The man’s vision blurred. He stared at her calves and the backs of her heels. He fumbled with his pants until they fell around his ankles. He gripped the woman’s calves and ground his groin into her feet. He thrashed like a caught fish. She increased the pressure on his head, still easily holding him in place. "I can crush you," she said. With a grunt and a moan, the man ejaculated through her ankles, onto the hallway carpeting.

Afterward, he lay back and closed his eyes. The woman looked at him blankly. "Four hundred," she said.

"I hate myself," said the man.

The Romanian repeated her price.

20040916

The Berry Connection

Reality Enthusiasm by Kid Nougat
Author of A Belated Goodbye to Brando



GREAT NEWS! Survivor: Vanuatu begins tonight! The backstabbing! The bug eating! Jeff Probst's coolness! You gotta love it! Me? The Kid? I'm psyched! (Don't you dare judge me - we've all got our less-than-cool addictions.) So I've checked out all the contestants, and I've decided that adopted child Julie Berry will take home the million.



Last December, she was accepted into the Peace Corps and "worked with youths at risk." Whatever that means. Previously, she "worked as a behavioral interventionist for adopted children who face social and emotional issues." Whatever that means. She plans to pursue a master's in counseling, and was recently reunited with her biological sister. (I believe her sister's name is "Dingle.")



Hey, speaking of million dollar ladies, let's give some props to Halle Berry for looking scrumptious in her ultra-revealing catsuit. No small feat at age 38. Sure, the flick blew, but WHO CARED? And in keeping with "the Berry connection," let's give a shout out to my main man Ken Berry, former star of TV's F-Troop.



Granted, straight males and lesbians have more to feast thier eyes on here (and both female Berries are actually alive), but...

Hey, the Kid's a fair guy. What can I say?

20040915

The Coma

A Brief Book Review by Robert McEvily



With The Beach, which was turned into a film starring Leonardo DiCaprio, British novelist Alex Garland hit the big time. He was a then-under-30 author with good looks, great prose, and wonderful promise. His intelligent screenplay for 28 Days Later, an unsettling, entertaining freak-out, solidified his rep as a hip multi-talent. His talent now expands with The Coma.



Considering how much can go wrong with a premise of describing the thoughts of a comatose narrator, Garland's accomplishment here is exemplary. In addition to its fictional pleasures, The Coma reads as a metaphysical guidebook, a journey to the center of a soul. The author's father, artist Nicholas Garland, provides ominous illustrations to precede each chapter - a tasty touch.

Many passages, deep, and written in clipped, crisp language, give rise to dormant thoughts, and demand additional reads. An example…

If I were to lose an arm in an accident, I'd still be me. Nobody would say I wasn't me. They wouldn't say, He used to be Carl, then he lost an arm, and now he's John.

And if, in another accident, I lost the other arm, the same would be true. Likewise with my legs, my sight, my hearing, my speech, my sense of touch. You could keep going, keep stripping me down, until I was only a consciousness, suspended in a void.

But take away the consciousness, and suddenly I'm gone. Carl is no more. And take away the consciousness but leave the body, leave the full complement of arms and legs, and I'm still gone.


Before The Coma, Garland published The Tesseract, a novel which invited comparisons to Graham Greene. With Garland's current quality of work, it’s a safe bet certain up-and-comers will now be compared to him.

Full of Sound and Fury

A Rap by Kid Nougat
WASAW Member



I like to munch-munch on a pretzel
As I read my Hansel-Gretel
Get up all inside your face and redesign the classic Edsel
And I do it sans short pants
On the outer coasts of France
When I bike I rock the mike like that thin dude they call Sir Lance
For me the treat's swiss cheese and ham
It's all I eat when on the lam
While watching Flintstones for my daily dose of Pebbles & Bam Bam
I'll punch you out when you're not lookin'
Eat up all your momma's cookin'
Then I'll rap and set a trap to catch my Uncle Raymond schtuppin'
Dude's been cheating on his wife
Dude's been screwing up his life
Dude's been tryin' to eat his Wheaties with a mofo butter knife!



Peace out, yo! Live your dreams!

20040914

How To Win 11 Billion Dollars!

A "Story" by Maven Quibble



You just made a HUGE mistake! You started reading this story!

This story’s like potato chips – addictive. You can’t stop. After you read it the first time, you’ll read it again and again, trying desperately to figure out what makes it so compelling. It’s not just the explosive combination of the earth-shattering, financially-windfalling title with the irresistible image of Microsoft founder Bill Gates. It’s not just the hook of the first two sentences. It’s so much more!

Do you judge me for mentioning early on that there’s sex in this story? And do you hate me for imagining such a clever question? It literally sprang to mind as I wrote it. Flawless ideas flood my brain like rainwater during the days of Noah’s Ark. ZAMMO! How much do you hate me for THAT sentence?

You can’t stop reading, can you? But now you’re thinking, this story’s stupid. It had me for a moment, but now it’s just plain stupid. Noah’s Ark? Stop. Plus, it’s not even a story. Yet you read on, don’t you? You can’t stop reading. I command your mind like Haagen controls Daaz! Read on, be-atch!



Here’s the sex part: her big boobs bounced into his face and he loved it! His thing was gigantic and it made her cry out with joy!

Horny, no?

Now you’re SO close to stopping. You’d like nothing more than to stop reading this “story.” But… the ending. How will it end? Will I actually find out how to win eleven billion dollars? Is there more sex? How can you stop reading without finding out how this “story” ends? You CAN’T, that’s how! I’ve got you! I’m making you read! You HATE this “story,” you think it totally sucks, you hate how suddenly, annoyingly, and purposefully I keep putting “story” in quotation marks, you hate my boneheaded use of adverbs, yet you continue! This “story” is like a mind-altering drug-goat anthropomorphized into a miniature purple blob creature gorging itself on your frontal lobe!



And now, more sex! And in BOLD! Their sweaty bodies spanked together like wet hams and made unintentional farting sounds of ecstasy! ZAMMO! Try not to touch yourself!



Were you careful? Have you read every word? Did you read between the lines? If so, you’re well on your way to winning the money. If not, don’t be a mooncalf! Change your life! Start all over again and find out how to win eleven billion dollars!