The Pear

Flash Fiction by Robert McEvily



One day, way back when, as I walked naked to the outhouse, a black man pulled up alongside me in a Jeep.

"You the kid they call dumbass?" he said.

I nodded yes. He studied me.

"Why ain't ya got no clothes on?"

I shuffled my feet, embarrassed. "Can't afford 'em," I said. The black man shook his head and laughed. "Can't afford 'em? Ha! Then go git yoself a job, dumbass! Or steal some!" He held up a pear, still shaking his head. After a couple of tease fakes, he tossed it to me. "What kinda dumbass walks around naked, waitin' for an ass-whoopin'? Huh? Tell me that, boy. What kinda dumbass?" I stared at the ground. I realized I could say something funny - or at least something - if only I had the nerve. I just kept staring at the ground.

"Well... pfff." He scratched his chin and sighed. "Find the hell out, dumbass. And cover up that johnson!"

I placed the pear you-know-where.

"And when ya finished eatin', don't worry 'bout no garbage can. Just chuck the core. This here's nature, boy." And he took off. Zoom. Gone. Just like that. Big cloud of dust. I made a mental note of his license plate: GET OUT.

Usually I kinda slowly shuffled to the outhouse, dragging my feet, farting, lost in an aimless fog. But that day, after I ate the pear and chucked it, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Didn't fart once.

A Story for Children

Nonsense from Maven Quibble



This is a story for children. If you are not a child, you should not read this story.

There once was a boy named Milo. He lived with his mother and his sister and his uncle and his dog. His dog’s name was also Milo. The fact that his dog shared his name really bothered Milo. It made him sad. You might think it wouldn’t, but it did. As a matter of fact, it made him as sad as sad could be. Poor Milo. (The boy, that is.)

Maybe you’re thinking, Why would Milo name his dog Milo, especially if it makes him sad? The answer to that question is that you shouldn’t think so much. Knock it off. “Living is easy with eyes closed.” Isn’t that what John Lennon said?

Anyway, one day, Milo the dog went missing. You might think, based on the opening paragraph of this story, that Milo the boy wouldn’t be sad about Milo the dog going missing, but it did indeed make him sad. Very sad. As a matter of fact, it made him as sad as sad could be. Poor Milo. And now, poor other Milo.

The moral of the story? It’s this: when you don’t follow directions, you waste your time. You’re NOT a child, yet you’re reading! What the hell’s the matter with you?

The Inevitable

Nonfiction by Oliver Cassidy



Every summer, someone is fatally attacked by a shark. Right this moment, right this instant, someone has plans to be at the beach in June, July or August. Another someone who doesn’t have plans to be at the beach will be when the time comes.

Right this moment, existing as he has for ten years, looking for food, a shark we’ll call Henry is cruising. Somewhere else, who knows where, someone is going about her day. Far away from the ocean. Far away from Henry. Maybe 10,000 miles away, maybe 50. Maybe she’s the someone who plans to be at the beach this summer. Maybe she’s the other someone. Maybe she’s reading. Maybe she’s at work or driving or sleeping. When the time comes, she won’t be 10,000 miles away from Henry, or 50. She’ll be a mile from Henry. Then half a mile. Then 300 yards. Then 100 feet. Then 15 inches. Then the inevitable will happen, because remember: every summer, someone is fatally attacked by a shark.

As she, the someone, currently goes about her day, safe and sound and oblivious, Henry’s crescent-shaped tail sweeps back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The shark seems to be grinning.

Spears Re-Speared

Breaking News by Maven Quibble
BDFC Entertainment Reporter



The website of Us Weekly is reporting that Crossroads star Britney Spears is pregnant with her second child with husband Kevin Federline. Their first child, son Sean, is seven months old and has been dropped on his head four times by Spears, twice by Federline and once by Justin Timberlake. “I hope it’s a girl,” said Spears when reached for comment. “I’m looking forward to repeatedly dropping her on her head.”

The Comfort Zone

An Opinion by Ivy Dillinger



Esquire magazine runs a page called “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women,” where, each month, a hot actress makes her list for all the world to see. (Well, maybe not all the world. Maybe just the middle-aged, former frat boy poseurs who subscribe.) The current issue features someone named Padma Lakshmi, who apparently played “Princess Bithia” in ABC’s ludicrous miniseries The Ten Commandments. As you can see, Padma fits the bill – she’s hot. (Not to mention married to novelist Salman Rushdie and recently Newsweek’s cover model for a feature on India.) But she also fits the bill of a hot woman who feels an inexplicable desire to be one of the boys.

“Many of us prefer a good single-malt Scotch to an apple saketini,” says Padma. “Women grab their crotches, too.” Take a look at this woman. Who does she think she’s kidding?



Hot women will make their greatest strides when they simply ditch the twaddle and get comfortable with acting superior.

Harvard Girl Rips Off Nougat

Mostly Plagiarized Reportage by Victor Lembrey



Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophomore accused of plagiarizing parts of her recently published chick-lit novel, acknowledged yesterday that she had borrowed language from Kid Nougat’s snack reviews, but called the copying "unintentional and unconscious."

Her book, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, Ate Lots of Tasty Snacks and Got a Life, was recently published by Little, Brown to wide publicity. In an e-mail message yesterday afternoon, Ms. Viswanathan, 19, said that in high school she had read all of Kid Nougat’s snack reports and that they "spoke to me in a way few other snack reports did."

Calling herself a "huge fan" of Mr. Nougat's work, Ms. Viswanathan added, "I wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Kid's words." She also apologized to Mr. Nougat and said that future printings of the novel would be revised to "eliminate any inappropriate similarities."

The Harvard Crimson cited 13 instances in which Ms. Viswanathan's book closely paralleled Mr. Nougat's snack reports. But there are at least 29 passages that are strikingly similar. At one point in his review of Mars bars, Mr. Nougat writes: I was in a D'Agostino's once. Just one Mars bar at the checkout counter. An old woman on line in front of me - she must've been about 90 - picked it up and wanted to buy it. I hit her over the head with a cantaloupe. I've no regrets - IT'S JUST SO FRIGGIN' TASTY! The following passage from Opal is eerily similar: Me? Opal? I was in a Zabar’s once. Just one Mars bar at the checkout counter. An old Jew on line in front of me - he must've been about 91 - picked it up and wanted to buy it. I hit him over the head with a cantaloupe. I've no regrets - IT'S JUST SO FRIGGIN' DE-LISH!

Angela Walsh, Ms. Viswanathan's agent, said, "Knowing what a fine person Kaavya is, I believe any similarities were unintentional. Idiots tend to adopt each other's language."

The Legend of Saint Lugo

Folklore by Kid Nougat



Once upon a time, there was a faraway land where half the people had great hair and the other half were completely bald. Even the women. The two sides hated each other and fought constantly. They burned each other’s houses to the ground and kidnapped and tortured each other. The situation was really, really bad. Then one day, a guy named Lugo arrived in the land. Lugo had unexceptional hair – fuller on the sides, thinning on top, a weird color halfway between brown and gray. Neither side wanted to claim him as their own. No one knew what to make of him. So both sides joined forces and beat him to death with stale baguettes. Whack, whack, whack! From that day forward, the land’s been reigned by a blissful peace.

Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 2

The Exciting Conclusion of a Two-Part Drama by Maven Quibble
Author of Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 1



(Let’s recap. A man dressed like the Burger King mascot – Lord Chalmers – is very upset because he can’t get Earl Grey tea in Vito’s hardware store. As we rejoin the action, Lord Chalmers, desperate, is calling for his mother…)

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Mother! I say Mother!

VITO
Hold it down! My dog’s sleeping!

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Mother!

(A WOMAN enters the hardware store and speaks…)

WOMAN (speaking to you, the reader)
Hi, I’m Scarlett Johansson, the actress. I’ll be playing the role of Lord Chalmers’s mother.

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Thank the fairies of golden sprinkles! You’ve arrived!

VITO (to Johansson)
Whoa! You’re that hot chick from that clone movie, right?

JOHANSSON
Nope. For the purposes of the exciting conclusion of this two-part drama, I’m Lord Chalmers’s mother.

VITO
No you ain’t! Let me get my camera…

LORD CHALMERS
If it is indeed for certain that your camera contains the finest of teas, then I say good sir, by all means!

JOHANSSON
I don’t really know my lines.

LORD CHALMERS
Tis no matter! You look jumpable! Your boobs are awash with plentifulness!

(Vito returns with his camera and Heath Ledger.)



LEDGER (speaking to you, the reader)
Hi, I’m Heath Ledger, the actor. I’ll be playing the role of Vito’s dog.

VITO
I just woke up my dog to take our picture! Here dog, take our picture!

LEDGER
Bow wow.

(As Vito hands Ledger the camera, a strange rolling noise is heard.)

LORD CHALMERS (noticing the source)
I say, it appears three hunter green cocoons have rolled into your establishment.

VITO
Yo, whoa... I don't think those... are... whatever the hell you just said.

LORD CHALMERS
Then what, pray tell, might they be?

VITO (realizing)
GADFUCKINGZOINKS, BEYOTCH!

(As Vito, Johansson and Ledger book like Olympic sprinters, Lord Chalmers finds out the hard way what they be.)



Written by
MAVEN QUIBBLE

Produced by
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

Directed by
IVY DILLINGER

Speaking French with Claire

An Interview by Ivy Dillinger



Google “Claire Zulkey” and prepare for an avalanche. One of the web’s most prolific writers, Claire’s work has also been featured in the Chicago Tribune and Glamour, and her skills rock you five days a week at Zulkey, her bodacious blog. She’s a major talent and a true inspiration. And look - she's agreed to speak French with me!



IVY
Let's start with a weird one. Pretend you’re Katie Holmes. Give us a first person account of what you’re thinking.

CLAIRE
Beep beep boop boop beep beep beep...

IVY
Who are you pulling for on American Idol?

CLAIRE
It's sort of a tie between Chris and Katherine. I think Katherine is definitely one of the best talents, and I can't help it--I think she's so pretty. It's my partiality to brunettes. On the other hand, my friend Meghan pointed out that the producers really stacked the decks this season for a white male to win (the only archetype who hasn't won yet). I think he's a good singer. He's sorta cute. He has that sob story. I think the only one I ever really had any empathy for was Ayla but she got eliminated early.

IVY
Okay, in one set without stopping, how many guy-style pushups can you do?

CLAIRE
Let me see...this is going to be awkward because I'm wearing a long skirt right now. But I've been lifting more weights at the gym lately so this could be kind of fun...



...I quit after 15. I probably could have squeezed out a few more but I quit really trying at anything athletic way back in high school.

IVY
Please rank the following people/places/things in order of most annoying to least annoying: Julia Roberts, hemorrhoids, store greeters, MasterCard’s “Priceless” commercials, golf, musical ring tones, Zacharias Moussawi, O’Hare Airport and Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.”

CLAIRE
I should mention that I know no firsthand information about hemorrhoids (really) and that Moussawi is sort of 'more' than annoying. But I'll play:

MC commercials
Moussawi
hemorrhoids
Roberts
ring tones
store greeters
O'Hare
golf

IVY
Can you elaborate on why you rank those "Priceless" spots first?

CLAIRE
I just am so sick of those f'ing commercials. Get a new goddamn campaign! Plus I am sick of all the parodies of it I get emailed to me. Like this one. That was the first one that came up when I image-Googled.

IVY
What’s been your biggest thrill so far as a writer?

CLAIRE
I hate to say it because there have been a lot of things that made me really excited and I hope there's always something new around the corner, especially things that you don't expect. Most recently, the Anderson Cooper 360 stint (related to the James Frey/Oprah incident) was most terrifying/thrilling. Getting my last name in the New Yorker was pretty awesome too. Right now it's finishing my book. It's not that I know if it has any particular future yet but it's just thrilling to get to the point where I might actually be done writing and moving to the next phase, like I'm getting to the top of a hill (probably with five bigger hills after it). Although of course if I were a really good writer I'd take another year to polish it up but I'm impatient.

IVY
What’s been your biggest thrill so far as a woman?

CLAIRE
Hmm, I'm trying to decide if I should answer this one funny or not. This one might not be THE but it was A: when I met Elvis Costello back in college (this was probably like 1999). It was only after a show for like two seconds but I was, as they say, just over the moon. I couldn't stop babbling afterwards for maybe three hours. That's the kind of thing you can only experience if you're a crushy groupie girl. (I mean it though, I was so happy. Maybe eight times happier than when I met one of my other obsessions, Paul Konerko.)



IVY
Tell me what to read! Recommend some books!

CLAIRE
I have been reading a lot of nonfiction, possibly only nonfiction. I'm reading this biography right now of Alfred Kinsey that I think is really good: Alfred C. Kinsey: A Life by James H. Jones . I just before that finished the Bob Spitz book on the Beatles. 400 pages--I impressed a lot of people by carrying that around. Not necessarily the best book I've ever read but definitely fulfilling if you're a big Beatles fan, which I am. And say what you will, I loved My Friend Leonard.

IVY
I'll say this: I loved it too.

(For a sample of Claire's early fiction, click here.)

Speaking French with Chez

An Interview by Ivy Dillinger



Do yourself a favor and get to know Chester Tam. He’s a Dude among Dudes, a talented actor and comedian, and addictive like Pringles. We all know he can chat, but can he speak French? Let’s find out…



IVY
Hey Chez, what's the deal with President Bush? Is he retarded?

CHEZ
The only way I can describe him is that kid, when you were growing up, who liked breaking other people's things and killing animals and then when he got caught, he just denied it even though everyone saw him do it. I just don't think he's outgrown that mentality.

IVY
Got it. Seen any cool movies lately?

CHEZ
Does Capote count as cool? If so, no, not Capote but the movie with the giant ape running around New York City. I forgot the name but that was awesome.

IVY
What month of the year has the dumbest name?

CHEZ
March...because it rhymes with starch and I would rather a month be named Starch.

IVY
If you could write yourself into the third season of Lost, who would you be? What would be your back story?

CHEZ
I don't watch Lost. But my back story would be that I was this undercover cop who was trying to bust this drug lord named Guapo and the only way I could get close to him was to become a drug fiend and pretend I was buying a large amount of drugs. Only to find out that it was all a practical joke and Guapo was actually just my good friend Steve. So, I've been going through heavy heroin withdrawl is where I would want my story to start on Lost.

IVY
Oscar Wilde once said, "I love acting. It is so much more real than life." Do you agree?

CHEZ
If Oscar Wilde is who I think he is, then no. I don't agree. Not because that statement isn't true but because O.W. owes me a twenty spot for dinner the other night and he acted like he didn't have any cash on him. But he did, cause when I saw him open his wallet to pay valet, he had like thirty singles in there. He's such a fucking cheap bastard.



IVY
Who in your opinion are the four hottest people in the world?

CHEZ
I'm not sure what you're getting at with that question, but I would say: Eva Mendes, Charlie Sheen, Lucy Liu and Ivy Dillinger.

IVY
I'm not sure what you're getting at with that answer, but I like it! Okay, now who makes you really, really laugh?

CHEZ
Anyone with a moustache.



GERALDO
Hey! That's not cool!

Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 1

A Two-Part Drama by Maven Quibble



(A man dressed like the Burger King mascot approaches Vito’s counter and speaks…)

LORD CHALMERS
Good afternoon, good sir. I’ve entered your establishment this fine day to purchase a box of Earl Grey tea.

VITO
This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Good Lord! How has this confusion come about?

VITO
No confusion, buddy. This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Am I to understand that you do not sell Earl Grey tea in this establishment?

VITO
This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Gadzoinks! I’m flummoxed!

VITO
You want screws? A hammer?

LORD CHALMERS
I shall not have a hammer and screws with crumpets! Do you take me for a mooncalf?

VITO
I take you for a retard.

LORD CHALMERS
I need tea at once!

VITO
Look buddy, either you buy some hardware or you hit the bricks.

LORD CHALMERS
I’m all a tizzy! Is it conceivable for someone to accurately prognosticate when this nightmare will cease?

VITO
You wanna get punched?

LORD CHALMERS
Someone, anyone, right this instant, call for my mother. Mother! Mother!

(Stay tuned! Part 2, our exciting conclusion, arrives tomorrow!)

Conjurers

An Opinion from Ivy Dillinger



I often wonder why there aren’t more female magicians.



Women are quite skilled at misdirection, directing your attention elsewhere.



Don’t you think?

The Other Finger

Customer Service a la Maven Quibble



The scene is an art store. A CLERK approaches a CUSTOMER and speaks...

CLERK
Hi. Are you being helped?

CUSTOMER
Not yet. Can you tell me-

CLERK
Perfect. Let’s stay nice and quiet and keep it that way.

CUSTOMER
But-

CLERK
Shhh.

Beware the Green, Green Grass

A Poetic Sentiment by Victor Lembrey



Meet Billy.

Billy wears t-shirts.
Billy rents a single room.
Billy prepares simple meals.
Billy has a dog.
Billy walks a lot in a spacious park.
Billy paints pictures.
Billy follows baseball.
Billy avoids conflict.
Billy doesn’t watch the news.
Billy’s not married.
Billy has a low-stress job.

But…

Billy’s unhappy.
Billy wants a new job.
An important and prestigious job that pays a lot, and he wants
A wife and children
And a big house and two cars.

Silly Billy.

Speaking French with A.L.

An Interview by Ivy Dillinger



You’re in for a genuine treat if you’ve yet to read the words of Anonymous Lawyer. Forget cold water in the face – wake yourself up with A.L.’s ingenuity, comedic timing and ice cold frankness. The New York Times digs him; you will too. Especially after we speak a little French…

IVY
So… have you read any cool books lately?

A.L.
This year's Uniform Commercial Code has some terrific updates. Gripping stuff. The section on Warehouse Receipts had me in tears. I also try and reread Machiavelli's The Prince every few days, just to keep me in the right frame of mind.

IVY
Let's say you had to update Mount Rushmore with four post-Teddy Roosevelt presidents. Who gets the props?

A.L.
Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, and the first President Bush.

IVY
Are flip-flops gay?

A.L.
I'm not sure I know exactly what a flip-flop is. I wear dress shoes to the beach. I think the evolution of the business dress code has been a sad slide down a slippery slope. When I started at the firm, we had "casual Fridays" during the summer, and even those were more formal than what people wear regularly now. I think we should bring back wigs. It works for England.

IVY
What's the psychology of the goatee?

A.L.
Again, the unfortunately casual attitude at work. I've tried to get the firm to be more like the New York Yankees and demand everyone be clean-shaven and take steroids. Unfortunately we merely emulate the Yankees by overpaying a bunch of replaceable parts. I don't trust associates with goatees. I think they're hiding something. Little crumbs of food, perhaps.



IVY
Nancy Grace - thoughts?

A.L.
Sounds like a pseudonym. Her real name is probably much less suited for television. I try not to watch Court TV. My entire aim as a corporate lawyer is to stay away from court, even in my media consumption.

IVY
Please name two famous people you'd enjoy punching.

A.L.
Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny

IVY
What's your definition of happiness?

A.L.
Feeling like you're making a difference, in whatever way you can.

(Again, do yourself a favor and wake yourself up as soon as possible…)

The Bowels of Hell

Flash Fiction by Victor Lembrey



It’s been three days, and I’m still happy with my decision. After a miniaturized female version of the devil simply appeared in my thermos, I made a deal with her, accepted her offer. In exchange for unlimited wealth and irresistible sex appeal, I agreed to automatically poop my pants anytime someone asks me for the time.

Prior to that fateful day (again, just three days ago), when it came to satanic deals, my main frame of reference was Charlie Daniels’s The Devil Went Down To Georgia. In the song, a young fiddle player named Johnny finds himself engaged in a satanic contest, whereby winning gains him a fiddle of gold, and losing costs him his soul. The song is fast-paced, exciting and dramatic. You totally sweat it out with Johnny.

In the end, Johnny wins; the devil is defeated. The song weighed heavily on my mind as I contemplated my decision. The song makes the devil seem vulnerable, capable of poor judgment, susceptible to miscalculation. I thought about the frequency with which I’m asked for the time. Not enough, I concluded, for the devil’s odd request to be a deal breaker. I can handle occasionally pooping my pants. I know I can.

So it’s been three days, and my newfound wealth is exhilarating, reassuring and magical. Wads of twenties appear out of the blue in my sock drawer. It’s a truly kick-ass arrangement. Every time I open the drawer, I find at least a thousand in cash. If I remove the cash, close the drawer and open it again, I find at least a thousand more. Every time. Every single time! I haven’t completely worked out how to store it, save it, invest it, etc., but it’s a great problem to have, believe me.

Regarding my irresistible sex appeal, it’s intangible and authentic. I have the same pre-meeting-the-devil appearance; I’m not taller or fitter or better dressed. I’m simply a newly hatched bitch magnet. This is an actual example; I’m not exaggerating: I entered a bar yesterday and a model named Nikki removed her top, fell to her knees and said, "Please repeatedly mouth my breasts right this instant!" So I did. (Again, I’m not exaggerating.)

Walking home last night, someone asked me for the time, and just like that – pffffffeeerrrttt - I pooped my pants. Rocket-fire diarrhea exploded from my hole. It was plentiful and wet. And it smelled precisely as you’d expect.

"You just drop a load in your chinos?"

I said "midnight" and squished away.

So I’ve taken to not wearing a watch. I figure fewer people will ask. And even if the devil is a prankster, even if, when the mood strikes, she decides to take multiple human forms and hit me with a barrage of “what-time-is-its,” I still think it’s worth it. I don’t kid myself: being rich and sexy is a dirty business.

Two Truths

Fess-ups by Ivy Dillinger



ONE
Sometimes when someone’s talking to me (especially if what they’re saying isn’t particularly interesting), and there’s a mirror behind them, and the lighting’s flattering, I find myself fighting the urge to look at myself. I think, I look sultry when I listen.

TWO
Licking a Q-Tip, inserting it into my ear canal to the point where it brushes my ear drum, spinning it rapidly – I enjoy this immensely.