Speaking French with Claire

An Interview by Ivy Dillinger



Google “Claire Zulkey” and prepare for an avalanche. One of the web’s most prolific writers, Claire’s work has also been featured in the Chicago Tribune and Glamour, and her skills rock you five days a week at Zulkey, her bodacious blog. She’s a major talent and a true inspiration. And look - she's agreed to speak French with me!



IVY
Let's start with a weird one. Pretend you’re Katie Holmes. Give us a first person account of what you’re thinking.

CLAIRE
Beep beep boop boop beep beep beep...

IVY
Who are you pulling for on American Idol?

CLAIRE
It's sort of a tie between Chris and Katherine. I think Katherine is definitely one of the best talents, and I can't help it--I think she's so pretty. It's my partiality to brunettes. On the other hand, my friend Meghan pointed out that the producers really stacked the decks this season for a white male to win (the only archetype who hasn't won yet). I think he's a good singer. He's sorta cute. He has that sob story. I think the only one I ever really had any empathy for was Ayla but she got eliminated early.

IVY
Okay, in one set without stopping, how many guy-style pushups can you do?

CLAIRE
Let me see...this is going to be awkward because I'm wearing a long skirt right now. But I've been lifting more weights at the gym lately so this could be kind of fun...



...I quit after 15. I probably could have squeezed out a few more but I quit really trying at anything athletic way back in high school.

IVY
Please rank the following people/places/things in order of most annoying to least annoying: Julia Roberts, hemorrhoids, store greeters, MasterCard’s “Priceless” commercials, golf, musical ring tones, Zacharias Moussawi, O’Hare Airport and Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.”

CLAIRE
I should mention that I know no firsthand information about hemorrhoids (really) and that Moussawi is sort of 'more' than annoying. But I'll play:

MC commercials
Moussawi
hemorrhoids
Roberts
ring tones
store greeters
O'Hare
golf

IVY
Can you elaborate on why you rank those "Priceless" spots first?

CLAIRE
I just am so sick of those f'ing commercials. Get a new goddamn campaign! Plus I am sick of all the parodies of it I get emailed to me. Like this one. That was the first one that came up when I image-Googled.

IVY
What’s been your biggest thrill so far as a writer?

CLAIRE
I hate to say it because there have been a lot of things that made me really excited and I hope there's always something new around the corner, especially things that you don't expect. Most recently, the Anderson Cooper 360 stint (related to the James Frey/Oprah incident) was most terrifying/thrilling. Getting my last name in the New Yorker was pretty awesome too. Right now it's finishing my book. It's not that I know if it has any particular future yet but it's just thrilling to get to the point where I might actually be done writing and moving to the next phase, like I'm getting to the top of a hill (probably with five bigger hills after it). Although of course if I were a really good writer I'd take another year to polish it up but I'm impatient.

IVY
What’s been your biggest thrill so far as a woman?

CLAIRE
Hmm, I'm trying to decide if I should answer this one funny or not. This one might not be THE but it was A: when I met Elvis Costello back in college (this was probably like 1999). It was only after a show for like two seconds but I was, as they say, just over the moon. I couldn't stop babbling afterwards for maybe three hours. That's the kind of thing you can only experience if you're a crushy groupie girl. (I mean it though, I was so happy. Maybe eight times happier than when I met one of my other obsessions, Paul Konerko.)



IVY
Tell me what to read! Recommend some books!

CLAIRE
I have been reading a lot of nonfiction, possibly only nonfiction. I'm reading this biography right now of Alfred Kinsey that I think is really good: Alfred C. Kinsey: A Life by James H. Jones . I just before that finished the Bob Spitz book on the Beatles. 400 pages--I impressed a lot of people by carrying that around. Not necessarily the best book I've ever read but definitely fulfilling if you're a big Beatles fan, which I am. And say what you will, I loved My Friend Leonard.

IVY
I'll say this: I loved it too.

(For a sample of Claire's early fiction, click here.)