Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 1

A Two-Part Drama by Maven Quibble



(A man dressed like the Burger King mascot approaches Vito’s counter and speaks…)

LORD CHALMERS
Good afternoon, good sir. I’ve entered your establishment this fine day to purchase a box of Earl Grey tea.

VITO
This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Good Lord! How has this confusion come about?

VITO
No confusion, buddy. This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Am I to understand that you do not sell Earl Grey tea in this establishment?

VITO
This is a hardware store.

LORD CHALMERS
Gadzoinks! I’m flummoxed!

VITO
You want screws? A hammer?

LORD CHALMERS
I shall not have a hammer and screws with crumpets! Do you take me for a mooncalf?

VITO
I take you for a retard.

LORD CHALMERS
I need tea at once!

VITO
Look buddy, either you buy some hardware or you hit the bricks.

LORD CHALMERS
I’m all a tizzy! Is it conceivable for someone to accurately prognosticate when this nightmare will cease?

VITO
You wanna get punched?

LORD CHALMERS
Someone, anyone, right this instant, call for my mother. Mother! Mother!

(Stay tuned! Part 2, our exciting conclusion, arrives tomorrow!)