Apples to Apples

Break Room Chatter transcribed by Victor Lembrey



Someone was leaving apples and grapes in the break room. Many of us believed it was Reggie, the health nut from marketing. I didn’t care one way or another. If Reggie (or whoever it was) wanted to make a point about healthy snacking, good for him (or her). And good for whomever it was for creating a little mystery, something to talk about other than work. At lunch or on break, I don’t like talking about work.

“What a crunchy prick,” said Maureen. Edgy, attractive, confrontational woman. “So what if I like chocolate? He has to make me feel guilty?”

“No one’s sure it’s Reggie,” I said.

“These apples kick,” said Elias. He grabbed one – a golden delicious – and took a noisy bite.

“What do you guys think about Anna Benson divorcing the pitcher?” said Maloney.

“Tramp,” said Maureen.

“Hadn’t heard,” I said.

“Wow, big surprise,” said Elias. He rolled his eyes. But then I started thinking, and I thought, Hey, good for her for creating a little controversy, something to talk about in baseball other than baseball. When I’m watching baseball, I don’t like talking about it too much. I love the peripherals. Growing up, I loved Phil Rizzuto.

Just then, just as I thought of Phil Rizzuto for the first time in probably more than ten years, Reggie walked in and Maureen called him a douche.