A Year with Zorn

A Recap by Maven Quibble



JANUARY
Imagine my surprise when I woke up to a new year naked and with an orange slice up my nose. Elizabeth found this amusing. When I had a coughing fit, she invited her girlfriends in to watch me make freshly squeezed juice against my will. Lord, it was cold. The weather, I mean. Reuben misplaced his outerwear during our annual ski trip. Then he died. Then we found his outerwear. We laughed and ate quiche.

FEBRUARY
I had Sheila call Victor Goodman and pretend to be me. She said, "Hi, it's Zorn," and hung up. We laughed. Valentine's Day was a blast, but then Keith reminded me I was married to Elizabeth. Ruth was fuming. She pelted my agent with chocolate miniatures. Buck's birthday party bombed. Ruth showed up still throwing chocolates. Buck was born on the 29th and could never decide whether to celebrate on the 28th or on March first. "Okay, September 18th," he said; the party was postponed. Keith regretted having sex with Reuben's mother. In front of everyone, I mean. Before we left, Victor Goodman called, pretending to be Sheila. He laughed and hung up.

MARCH
We decided to fly to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Seamus was excited. He said, "I can't believe I'm finally going to meet my brother." He didn't have one. Keith flew us in his new jet, and was embarrassed when we landed in Turkey. Keith said, "Oops." We laughed. Sheila and Elizabeth explained the significance of St. Patrick's Day to a young boy. He spit on them. Buck smiled. On the way home, we ate and drank and joked and sang songs, then Sheila gave birth. She said, "Just kidding." We realized the baby was actually Victor Goodman in an infant costume. He said, "Goo goo." We couldn't stop laughing.

APRIL
Buck's father had a great idea for an April Fool's Day prank but refused to tell anybody what it was, so we had to come up with our own. "I've got it!" screamed Keith, but then he left for work. I decided to remove Elizabeth's car radio and pretend it'd been stolen. As I opened the car door, I noticed Elizabeth in the back seat having sex with my brother Leonard. Leonard said, "April fool!" I laughed. Boy, they got me good. We had an egg hunt in the backyard for Lucy Parker's adopted son on Easter Sunday. Young Tim wrecked the garden with my weed whacker. I asked him to stop. He hit me on the lip with an egg. I think he also stole our stereo.

MAY
We had a picnic in the park. Everybody was there. Debra Fink brought her famous homemade water. Keith did magic tricks. Buck told jokes. Ruth sang. Victor Goodman did sit-ups. It was non-stop hilarity. I couldn't believe it when the boy from Turkey showed up. On Mother's Day, I gave Mom a food processor. She exchanged it for a toaster and called me a geek. Ruth laughed.

JUNE
I went fishing for the first time in my life. I caught a boot. Elizabeth said, "I think we should tell Reuben's family about his death." I agreed. Reuben's mother took it well, but I could see she felt like laughing. We gave her his outerwear. Elizabeth quit smoking. I quit drinking. Keith quit quitting. On Father's Day, I gave Dad a Walkman. Mom reminded me Dad was deaf. The boy from Turkey called me a geek. Reuben's mother finally laughed.

JULY
We spent Independence Day at Ruth's summerhouse. Buck and Keith argued over who was the greatest American to ever live. Buck insisted on Thomas Jefferson. Keith said Mussolini. We ate clams and sang songs. Debra Fink brought her famous homemade water. We swam in the ocean and barbecued hot dogs on the beach. Then we swam on the beach and barbecued hot dogs in the ocean. When night fell, Victor Goodman thrilled us with his fireworks display. We all wished he actually lit them. Keith got drunk and punched Sheila, then kissed Buck. He apologized and said he meant it the other way around. We laughed and ate leftover quiche.

AUGUST
Elizabeth bought me weights. I began a personal fitness program. Then I stopped. Everyone laughed. I tried jogging, but the boot I caught kept digging into my calf. I saw Elizabeth and Leonard having sex in the bathtub. Leonard said, "August fool!" I waved and shut the door.

SEPTEMBER
Keith and I enrolled in an American poetry class at the college. We both withdrew when we learned the professor expected us to buy books and read and write and think. Keith said, "Whew!" We laughed. Victor Goodman arranged a surprise birthday party for Buck, but he failed to mention it, so nobody showed. Elizabeth and I drank coffee on the back porch. The air was crisp and clean. The leaves and the trees were beautiful. I told Elizabeth I loved her. She said she loved my agent and told me to get my foot off her dress. I ate a Lorna Doone and went to sleep.

OCTOBER
I began a love affair with Lucy Parker. We saw each other constantly. We talked and went to movies and restaurants and danced a lot. She told me she loved me. I said I loved my agent and told her to get her foot off my dress. Young Tim laughed. Keith lost a bundle on the World Series. He bet the Buccaneers. Some local kids dressed as ghosts knocked on our door. They said, "Trick-or-treat." I gave each ghost a chocolate bar and a dollar bill. The big ghost whipped out a gun, stole my wallet, and forced me to help him carry Elizabeth's television set to his van. Leonard put his pants on and left.

NOVEMBER
Elizabeth and I saw a marriage counselor. We told him we had problems. He agreed. We wrote him a check for one hundred dollars and left. Thanksgiving dinner was delicious. We had turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts and turnips and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. And carrots. We took turns standing up and announcing what we were most thankful for in our lives. Buck said, "Pop Tarts."

DECEMBER
Music filled the air. A snowball broke our window. Laughter filled the air. Elizabeth made an obscene gesture to the carolers. Her face was struck with a snowball. More laughter. I bought Keith an iPod. He got me a McDonald's gift certificate. Thanks, Keith. Elizabeth wished me well. The doorbell rang. It was the American poetry professor from the college. He asked where I'd been. We laughed. We poured eggnog on his head. We spent New Year's Eve at Ruth's winter house, which is actually her summerhouse, only colder. We had a snowball fight. We spoke of Reuben. We got drunk and laughed a lot. Not a bad year, I thought. When Elizabeth fell asleep, I stripped her naked and shoved an orange slice up her nose. Revenge is sweet.