Acting 101 Bagel Monologue

Course Work by Victor Lembrey



Excuse me, is that my bagel? I misplaced mine and yours looks just like it. Are you sure? Mine had two bites out of it too. Mine had grape jelly too. Are you sure? Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, but I really think you’re eating my bagel. Are you sure? I think you’re lying. I think you’re a liar. I think you stole my bagel. Give me the bagel. Give it to me. Give it back. Give me my bagel you stupid douchebag. Mine had grape jelly too! I said that! Stop eating it! I’m gonna kill you! Where’s my friggin’ gun? Where is it? Wait here – I’m gonna shoot you, you stupid ass! My bagel! My bagel! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

Psychobabble

A Self-Directed Pep-Talk by Maven Quibble



Here’s what I do: I come right at you – directly at you – with everything I’ve friggin’ got. I don’t hold back. I’m in your face like Melrose Place. That rhymes. That’s the only reason I wrote that. But that’s me. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s me coming right at you – directly at you – with everything I’ve friggin’ got. If you can’t take it, fake it. And that rhymes too. And now you know why.

Me? I like my burgers raw. I like to swim naked. I like to punch old ladies and babies. I’m admittedly unusual in that respect.

When I was seven, a nun told me I was the sexiest man she’d ever seen. Yes, she was blind and retarded, but the compliment built my confidence. Now I’m unstoppable. I can’t be stopped. I won’t be stopped. I’ll keep trying ‘til it’s over. Ain’t no fat lady singing YET, beyotch. Not for a LONG time.

You’ll see me down the road. Bank on it.

The Four

An Escape Attempt by Robert McEvily



I’ve been kidnapped. I’ve been locked in a room with a laptop. I’ve been told my only hope of survival is writing four perfect sentences. I’m pinning my hopes on these.

Henry Holt Flip-Flops

More Reportage by Ivy Dillinger



In a stunning reversal, Henry Holt and Company has nullified a cease and desist order issued last Friday to the author of the incredibly hilarious parody weblog “Synonymous Lawyer.” Industry insiders are assuming the reversal stems from the publisher’s embarrassment at finding out that Jeremy Blachman, author of Anonymous Lawyer, is indeed “Synonymous.” When reached for comment, Mr. Blachman replied, “I’m not Synonymous. Enough already. Can’t you see I have more important things to write about? Like Everwood and food?”

Murray Rothenberg, Mr. Blachman’s attorney, could not be reached for comment.

“Synonymous Lawyer” Shut Down

Reportage by Ivy Dillinger



Synonymous Lawyer, an ingenious and incredibly hilarious parody of novelist Jeremy Blachman’s popular weblog Anonymous Lawyer, has been permanently shut down. A cease and desist order was issued last Friday by Henry Holt and Company, publishers of Mr. Blachman’s novel. When reached for comment, Mr. Blachman replied, “Very uncool. I never had a problem with it. I thought it was funny, especially all those Diana Barry Blythe jokes.”

Many theories regarding the true identity of “Synonymous” have surfaced since the blog’s inception. Tossed-about names include John Updike, Macaulay Culkin, Nancy Grace, David Lat, Maxine Weiss, Ethan Hawke, Murray Rothenberg, an educated prostitute named “Theresa,” even Mr. Blachman himself. Apparently, SL’s true identity will forever remain a mystery.



(Thanks to Jeremy for being a good sport and to all who commented!)

(Happy Belated Birthday Theresa!)

(Visit Anonymous Law Firm LLP and buy the book! It's awesome!)