5 & 5

Some Jive from Victor Lembrey



For no significant reason, let's end November with five numbers that rhyme with pooh, and five sentences that'll make you marvel at my literary masterfulness. Okay, dig it...

2

1,092

22

472

32

The rules can only be busted wide open with permission if you've mastered the basics.

Find me sheep.

Perry thought it was amazing that Ron remembered Duncan's dad's social security number.

Migrant workers rule Mommaville.

Her bongos incapacitated Hizzoner.



Nice! Now bring on December!

Wonder

A Nod to a Great Word by Robert McEvily



It's been 41 years since Jack Ruby stepped forward and plugged Lee Harvey Oswald, cementing the biggest mystery in American history. A great, great victory for myth and conjecture.

It's depressing having everything explained, isn't it? Isn't it better to wonder about the Loch Ness Monster, to believe in the Bermuda Triangle, to feel there may be bed bugs that actually bite? Isn't it better to believe that Elvis and Jim Morrison are still kickin'? I say yes. I say yes yes yes.

In math, when x = 8, then x = 8, and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Any other answer's the wrong answer. With an essay question, two people can write two completely different things in dramatically different styles, and both can wind up with a good grade. Math is nice, but I like essays. Give me a little room to express myself - a little room for a story - and I'm happy.



I was happy to see the Red Sox win - they seem like a nice bunch of guys. But I was sorry to see the death of the Curse of the Bambino. A great, great loss for myth and conjecture.



By the way, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I'm Cool and I Care!

Controversial Commentary by Kid Nougat
WASAW Member



Back on May 17th, Lance Armstrong's simple rubber LIVESTRONG bracelets went on sale, and they've been a huge hit. Nike's sold over 20 million to date. Good stuff. Congratulations. But me? The Kid? I've got a problem with them. To me, they reek of ego. Some call them a brotherhood of caring. I call them a trend.

Certainly there are those whose hearts are in the right place - those directly affected by cancer. But too many are shooting for the hip factor. Young celebrities with LIVESTRONG bracelets and Von Dutch caps need to be whacked upside the head with wiffle ball bats. Pudgy, fifty-something executives with LIVESTRONG bracelets need the same. AND I'M JUST THE GUY TO DO IT!

Kidspeak, plain and simple: When you support a cause, contribute to charity, etc., it's not about you, so keep it to yourself. That's living strong.

Love, Mrs. Fabulous

A Suggestion by Maven Quibble



Greetings, Readers!

Hey, if you're like me, you have a bus load of cash and tons of time on your hands. (Don't hate me - I'm beautiful, too.) So don't be a putz. Do what Quibbs does. Send annoying messages free of charge!

It's real easy. Next time you get a solicitation in the mail that includes a postage-paid return envelope, just write up something bizarre, seal it up and mail it away! You're guaranteed hours of fun imagining the reaction of the recipient. Check out my latest...

Dear Person Reading This,

I enjoy beans. Do you? I really like beans. They’re great. Beans, I mean. Beans are great. You’re a good person. Keep staying that way. Do you have any cheese? You do? Why aren’t you sharing it? Oh, you don’t have any? I thought you said you did. Jeeze, speak up. Okay, peace out, yo. Be cool.

Love,
Mrs. Fabulous

Trust me, this exercise isn't a waste of time. You're (a) honing your wiseass skills, (b) thinking out of the box, and (c) something else I can't remember. So check your mailbox RIGHT NOW and start having some fun!

For Every Action

Flash Fiction by Oliver Cassidy



Mr. Paulson worked at the laundromat. He washed, dried and folded clothes all day long. His favorite customer was Ms. Spoon. Ms. Spoon was pretty. She was courteous; always asked about his day, his interests; always asked about his family. Mr. Paulson didn't have a family. He pretended. He had a fictional wife and two fictional children. He thought it seemed better that way. He couldn't tell Ms. Spoon he lived alone; that he'd always lived alone. He just couldn't.

One day, on an impulse, Mr. Paulson bought a single white rose for Ms. Spoon. He knew she'd love it. He was very excited to give it to her. He paid special attention to his appearance that day. He ironed his shirt and carefully combed his hair. He imagined her reaction. He imagined her smiling and saying thank you and placing the rose in a glass vase in her home.

Two weeks after giving Ms. Spoon the rose, a rose she politely yet stiffly accepted, Mr. Paulson asked a coworker if he'd seen her lately. The coworker said no, he hadn't. Two months after giving her the rose, Mr. Paulson still hadn't seen her.

He washed, dried and folded clothes each and every day after, waiting for Ms. Spoon to return. Her absence had nothing to do with the rose. He was sure of it.

A Decade Later

An Unearthing by Robert McEvily



I found an old notebook recently. Lots of sketches and story ideas and notes and stuff. I had a section for dreams; I actually described every dream I had in May and June of 1994. Here's what I wrote for May 7th:

Sexual images and the sense of how easy it is to succumb. What's right and wrong goes right out the window.

I feel great pain when I see a boy - a boy I perceive to be my future son. A handsome and talented boy who I don't even know; I don't know anything about him. I can tell he's personable and talented. He plays with a dog. I wonder when his birthday is. He's a handsomer version of myself. I wonder who his mother is. I see a woman who looks as if she could be his mother. Do I know her? Will I meet her? I wonder what happened.

Why am I estranged from my family?

How easy it is to become something you hate.

That last line gets me. I wonder what I meant.

I still don't have a son. I wonder what the future holds. Don't we all?

French Club Off to Paris!

Some Info from Ivy Dillinger
Director of Publicity, BDFC



In what can only be described as an earth-shattering coincidence, the entire Beaver Dam French Club will be spending the remainder of the week in picturesque Paris, France. The Club will be back in action on Monday, November 15th.

"Au revoir!"
-Rob

"I can't think of what to write. I have to pee."
-Maven

"My birthday's Thursday. Send some nice comments my way. And do it NOW or I'll call you a be-otch in my next piece."
-Victor

"Snack on!"
-Kid

"If the French are rude to me, I'll kill them. I swear it."
-Oliver



In the meantime, check out this slightly airbrushed picture of Monsieur Eric Wrisley, mastermind of the always smokin' Cautionary Tale. And have a tasty Veterans Day.

The Urge

A Fictional Confession by Oliver Cassidy



A woman smiled at me as I was walking home last night and it made me pretty happy. She had blonde hair and wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup, which I like. I walk with my head down a lot, distracted by negative thoughts, hoping something will happen to lighten my mood. Tonight she was it, a rarity, and I wish I could send her a Starbucks gift certificate as compensation.



Another woman ignored me. She was wearing an expensive coat and cream colored stockings and very interesting shoes. The shoes were brown and tan and cream and had something of a checkerboard pattern. She had very pretty hair. Clean, shiny brown hair. I wanted to lick her legs, but didn’t want to send her a gift certificate. I just wanted to lick her legs.

I hate wanting someone I dislike.

Hot Vote Gets Stomped

Election Coverage by Victor Lembrey
Assignment Reporter, BDFC



Typical Kerry Voter



Typical Bush Voter

It was proved beyond a reasonable doubt yesterday that the country contains far more non-hot voters than hot.

"Voter turnout was historic," said Dempsey Randolph, a spokesperson for the web journal Useless Opinions. "But I figured, in an effort to seem hip and down with the whole P. Diddy thing - the 'Vote or Die' stuff - it'd be mostly young, hot, brainless, sheep-like wanna-be models voting for Kerry, not intellectually robotic, gelatinous nincompoops voting for Bush."

When reached for comment, former Vice President Al Gore said, "Wait... Shaq's with Miami?"

Election Day Meatballs

A Recipe by Kid Nougat



1 photo John Kerry (5" x 7")
1 photo George W. Bush (5" x 7")
1 lb lean ground beef
1/2 cup Italian bread crumbs
1/3 cup water (more or less)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 medium onion
garlic
salt
pepper



First up, shred the photos, then mix all the ingredients together. Whoa! Slow down! Don't add all the water at one time! The mixture should be moist, but not so moist that the meatballs fall apart.

Okay, now shape your meatballs to your desired size and place them on a broiler pan. (Me? The Kid? I wet my hands before shaping my balls - helps make 'em NICE.) Broil until the face-down sides are slightly brown, then turn and broil the HELL out of the other sides. Remember, you don't like that other side, so broil, broil, broil.

When finished, add your meatballs to a nice spaghetti sauce and simmer for the rest of the day. That's it!

Here's hoping everything turns out to your liking.

The Potential Masterpiece

A Riff by Maven Quibble



Well, we're into the last two months of the year, and I still haven't painted a masterpiece. One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2004 was to paint a masterpiece. Just two months left. I really don't know if I can do it.

Well, maybe I have already. Do you like what you see? Can I call it a masterpiece?

Man, why did I have to check my resolutions? I don't need this kind of stress! Why couldn't I resolve to become a procrastinating peanut farmer? Then I'd be a HUGE success! But no, I gotta be Joe Masterpiece. What the hell am I gonna do?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
You can try.

ME
Wha- What the- Who the hell is that?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Never you mind. Just listen. Try.

ME
Try?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Try.

ME
But what if at first I don't succeed?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Just try, try again.

ME
But what if I fail?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
The only failure is not trying.

ME
But what if-

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Just fucking TRY, alright? Just TRY already! Okay, dimwit? GOT IT?

ME
Roger and out.