Anti-Pep Talk

Needless Scolding from Ivy Dillinger



Great, you're home. Do you have any idea how stupid you are? What the hell are you thinking about? Stuff's happening all over the place - significant, important stuff - and you? You're a stupid idiot! You're not contributing! Look at yourself! You don't even know what the hell I'm talking about!

Let me reiterate - you're a dope. Everyone really dislikes you and thinks you smell. Man, are you stupid. Your socks are consistently egregious. Do me a favor - sign up for a club where someone shows up at your house twice a day and punches you in the face. Please? I'm serious.

No doubt - if you bought a chimp, it'd give you the finger. You are DUMB. Get it over with - just start walking around like, "DUH BUH DUH BUH DUUUUHHHHH BUH DUH BUH DUH DER DOYEEEEEEEE!" Why not, right? You sound like that anyway. Any why? Because you are one stupid homeslice. You couldn't even make waffles to save your life!

Now GET OUT THERE and keep on being a stupid jerk!

(click)

The Necessary Ingredient

A Question from Victor Lembrey



We were celebrating something, I forget what, out at a restaurant with candles on the tables, and I made a joke and laughed, and the breath from my laugh blew out the candle, and I said, "Look, I just laughed out the candle," and everyone fell into hysterics. Me too. But it wasn't that funny. Which made me think everyone was phony. Including me. But so what?

Seriously - how can anyone get through the day without being phony?

Visionaries

A Conclusion Drawn by Ivy Dillinger



Based on comments received in response to Your Simple Assignment - comments ranging from everything from hats to hamburgers to biceps to slow but painful deaths to Genghis Khan to too much Kool Aid - just one thing's clear...

No one likes dudes in dark glasses.

Your Simple Assignment

A Request from Ivy Dillinger



Dear BDFC Reader (aka YOU),

Please tell me which person's your favorite and why. I'd appreciate it.