Trajectory

An Odd Salute from Maven Quibble



I love the word trajectory. I try to say it as often as I can; I tend to force it into conversations. I’ll say something like, “Last night at dinner - and boy was my dinner ambrosial - I was eating soup and I dropped my spoon and it had a weird trajectory as it fell.” Then a friend will say, “What do you mean?” Then I change the topic. Then I try to say trajectory again.

Saying trajectory makes you sound smart. That’s my theory. A friend of mine named Floater agrees, but to a point. Floater thinks when you say trajectory too much, it makes you sound dumb. Floater is an asshole.

Check this out: Her life has a unique trajectory. The satellite soared with a dazzling trajectory. The magic bullet had what some feel was an impossible trajectory. Don’t deny it – I sound smart.

I love words. I really do. Trajectory!

If you think I’m a nerd, you smell like Floater. HA! Take THAT trajectory, BEYOTCH!

The Physics Exam

Hard Data from Victor Lembrey



The following exam was recently given to 200 high school juniors: 100 girls, 100 boys.  Amazingly, all the girls got all three questions right, while all the boys got all three questions wrong.
 
The exam:


 
Newton's first law of motion states that "An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force," that is, objects "tend to keep on doing what they're doing." In fact, it is the natural tendency of objects to resist changes in their state of motion. This tendency to resist changes in their state of motion is described as inertia.  Inertia is the resistance an object has to a change in its state of motion.


 
At the time, Newton's concept of inertia was in direct opposition to the more popular conceptions about motion. The dominant thought prior to Newton's day was that it was the natural tendency of objects to come to rest. Moving objects, or so it was believed, would eventually stop moving since a force was necessary to keep an object moving. If left to itself, a moving object would eventually come to rest and an object at rest would stay at rest; thus, the idea which dominated the thinking for nearly 2000 years prior to Newton was that it was the natural tendency of all objects to assume a rest position.


 
Galileo, the premier scientist of the seventeenth century, developed the concept of inertia. Galileo reasoned that moving objects eventually stop because of a force called friction. In experiments using a pair of inclined planes facing each other, Galileo observed that a ball will roll down one plane and up the opposite plane to approximately the same height. If smoother planes were used, the ball would roll up the opposite plane even closer to the original height. Galileo reasoned that any difference between initial and final heights was due to the presence of friction and he postulated that if friction could be eliminated entirely, then the ball would reach exactly the same height up the opposite plane.


 
Galileo further observed that regardless of the angle at which the planes were oriented, the final height was almost always equal to the initial height. If the slope of the opposite incline was reduced, then the ball would roll a further distance in order to reach that original height.


 
What is inertia?
a) the resistance an object has to a change in its state of motion
b) me need juicy ass on face right this instant
 
Who developed the concept of inertia?
a) Galileo
b) volleyball cheerleaders

According to Newton's first law of motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion…
a) tends to stay in motion
b) tends to look like Heidi Klum's blue tits

Fruits & Nuts

Photojournalism by Maven Quibble

Interlude

A Riff by Robert McEvily



Blue
Brown
Pink
Green
Kirsten Dunst, Charlie Sheen

Red
Gray
Black
Yellow
Chocolate pudding, orange Jell-O

Gray
Tan
Mauve
Khaki
Everyone in Rome is wacky

Leaf
Nut
Squirrel
Tree
It’s fun to let your mind roam free

Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Very healthy, very Zen

Spot
Rags
Snoopy
Rover
Time to work, playtime’s over

The Thirty-Fifth Item

Fiction by Oliver Cassidy



When the boy was four, his father took him to a beautiful place filled with tall trees and luscious fields. The father carried a shovel and a brand new suitcase, and they walked a bit, and settled on a shady spot under a big oak tree. The father dug a hole, just big enough to bury the suitcase, then opened the case and asked the boy for his car. The car was a little red Matchbox – white “67” decals stuck to each door. The boy loved the car, his favorite, and began to cry.

When the boy was five, his father took him to the same beautiful place filled with tall trees and luscious fields. The father again carried a shovel, and they walked to the big oak tree, and the father dug up the suitcase and opened it. The boy saw the little red car, but was not excited to see it. He was too upset about having to bury his picture book featuring dinosaurs. He handed the book to his father, but did not cry.

When the boy was fourteen, he buried a poster of Paulina Porizkova. When he was twenty, he buried an old photo of his father hoisting him in the air after a Little League victory. His father had died the previous summer.

Today, the boy is a man of thirty-eight, a car salesman. He’s heading for the big oak tree right now. In his car are the following items: an iPod Nano, a Rolex watch, four ounces of cocaine, and his self-respect. He hasn’t yet decided which to bury.

K.

Flash Fiction by Ivy Dillinger



K. was trying hard to be happy. Nothing seemed to work. She was saddened by how often she smiled without meaning it. She laughed at things she didn’t find funny. She was always shocked by her grinning image in pictures. She thought, who is that?

Magellan's Ghost

A Two-Part Poem by Victor Lembrey
Author of The Bowels of Hell



Part 1 – 1985

I was teaching my third grade class
When the ghost of Magellan appeared.
He materialized from the globe
That sits atop my desk.

The kids weren’t as impressed as I,
Kids take ghosts in stride.

“You’re Magellan,” I said.
“I am,” said Magellan.
“Kids,” I said. “Magellan.”
“Kids,” said the ghost with a bow,
A polite gesture wasted on them.
Arnold Lopez mumbled something about gayness.

“I’m sure Mr. Magellan’s here for a reason, so…”
“Who’s Ann?” said Magellan.
“What?” I said.
Ann Hupnick stood, slowly.
Magellan approached her.
“Ann?”
“Yes?”
Magellan handed her a note and then vanished
Poof
Into thin air.

A few moments passed.

“What’s it say?” I said.
“Open thit,” said Raymond,
A fat, spectacled kid who spoke with a lisp
And knew every state capital.

The class chimed in.
Ann folded the note and put it in her pocket.
Arnold claimed Magellan had shown up by rocket.
I closed the door but didn’t lock it.

“What’s it say?” I said.
“It’s private,” said Ann. “It’s for me.”
“You can share it with the class,” I said. “Go ahead.”
“It’s private.”
“You can read it.”
“It’s private.”
“Can’t we see it?”
“It’s for me.”
“Can’t we see?”
“It’s private, it’s for me.”

I opened the door.

“You think you’re cool because Magellan shows up
And gives you a note just for you,
Right?”
Ann lowered her head, embarrassed.
“You think you’re cool,” I said.



Part 2 – 2005

Older now, and a bit sick,
I ran into Ann Hupnick
On the street.
“Funny we should meet,” she said.
“Funny,” I said.

“Remember that day with the ghost?” I said.
“It’s the day I remember the most,” she said.
“And the note?”
“And the note.”
“Remember?”
“November.”
“Wow, I’m so glad you remember.”

A few moments passed, both of us nodding.

“What did it say?” I said.
Her eyes were brown, her coat was red.

“It said I was special,” she said.
“It said not to listen to my teachers
Because they were average.
To not be influenced by my classmates
Because they were average.
It said I was special.
It said to not ever forget that.
Ever.”

A few moments passed.

“I see,” I said.
“Nice seeing you,” she said.
She walked away.
She was beautiful.

“You think you’re so friggin’ cool,” I said,
Comfortable in anger.

And then I saw Raymond
And marveled at the odds of seeing two former students
In one day.

He didn’t remember me
Or the ghost
But he did remember the capital of Utah.
“Thalt Lake Thity,” he said.

When he said goodbye
He called me “old man”
And I recoiled
And desperately wished for a second chance at youth.