The Affirmatives

Positive Reinforcement from Victor Lembrey



A single mom with an unusually large family begins packing her minivan after a camping trip…

MOM
You guys ready to go?

DAVID
Yes.

NED
Yep.

FRANK
Yo.

ROSE
Ready.

MITCHELL
You know it.

STACY
Definitely.

RAY
Oh yeah.

MORGAN
Yep.

CHARLIE
Yes.

EDUARDO
Uh huh.

FAITH
Yes.

STEINBECK
Yo.

JOYCE
Ready.

PHILLIP
Uh huh.

LASHAWNDA
Mmm hmm.

ART
Yes.

BODIE
Totally.

CRAIG
Yep.

PABLO
Si.

MELANIE
Yes.

TABITHA
Uh huh.

BRUCE
Yes.

CHIPPER
Uh huh.

DEEPAK
Yes.

TOM
Yepper.

MATILDA
Uh huh.

SHIRLEY
Yes.

LUKE
Yo.

LUCY
Ready.

FERDINAND
Uh huh.

UMBERTO
Yes.

BABY JOANNE
I’m so fucking ready, you have no idea.

JOHN
Yes.

BRITNEY
Totally.

AVA
Yep.

MELLY-MEL
Without question.

TED
Uh huh.

BOOTS
Yes.

MELVIN
Get me the fuck out of here you bitch!

JAYNE
Uh huh.

T.J.
Yes.

CHRISTOPHER
Yes.

GAVIN
Nice.

ERIC
Sch-weet.

McDOOGAL
Let’s do it.

SOON-YI
Yes.

UNCLE JOE
(fart)

SPOT
Woof!

MOM
Great. Off we go!

The Emotional Communist

A Fable by Oliver Cassidy



The first woman was beautiful because she always told the truth. The second woman was beautiful because she never told the truth. The third woman was beautiful because she had huge tits. The fourth woman was beautiful because she had breast cancer. The fifth woman was beautiful because she was athletic. The sixth woman was beautiful because she was paralyzed. The seventh woman was beautiful because she believed in justice. The eighth woman was beautiful because she believed in mercy.

The man was ugly because every woman was beautiful.

Assuming Your Name is Wilma

Complaints from Maven Quibble



I suppose you’re wondering where I’ve been. You’re not? UP YOURS, WILMA!

My feet are killing me. I’ve been walking forever. Walk, walk, walk – that’s me. No sympathy for me? SCREW YOU, WILMA!

I subscribe to a large number of magazines and I never seem to have time to read them. The weeklies are especially troubling. Every Monday, I get Time and Newsweek and all the rest, and I tell myself, “Self, you’re gonna read all this shit, and you’re gonna figure out what the hell’s going on in this world, and you’re gonna get smart and be able to swap cool stories at parties.” Then I wind up tearing all the address labels off and donating the whole stack to my Laundromat.

You think that’s funny? MUNCH IT, WILMA!