Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 2

The Exciting Conclusion of a Two-Part Drama by Maven Quibble
Author of Lord Chalmers and Vito, Part 1



(Let’s recap. A man dressed like the Burger King mascot – Lord Chalmers – is very upset because he can’t get Earl Grey tea in Vito’s hardware store. As we rejoin the action, Lord Chalmers, desperate, is calling for his mother…)

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Mother! I say Mother!

VITO
Hold it down! My dog’s sleeping!

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Mother!

(A WOMAN enters the hardware store and speaks…)

WOMAN (speaking to you, the reader)
Hi, I’m Scarlett Johansson, the actress. I’ll be playing the role of Lord Chalmers’s mother.

LORD CHALMERS
Mother! Thank the fairies of golden sprinkles! You’ve arrived!

VITO (to Johansson)
Whoa! You’re that hot chick from that clone movie, right?

JOHANSSON
Nope. For the purposes of the exciting conclusion of this two-part drama, I’m Lord Chalmers’s mother.

VITO
No you ain’t! Let me get my camera…

LORD CHALMERS
If it is indeed for certain that your camera contains the finest of teas, then I say good sir, by all means!

JOHANSSON
I don’t really know my lines.

LORD CHALMERS
Tis no matter! You look jumpable! Your boobs are awash with plentifulness!

(Vito returns with his camera and Heath Ledger.)



LEDGER (speaking to you, the reader)
Hi, I’m Heath Ledger, the actor. I’ll be playing the role of Vito’s dog.

VITO
I just woke up my dog to take our picture! Here dog, take our picture!

LEDGER
Bow wow.

(As Vito hands Ledger the camera, a strange rolling noise is heard.)

LORD CHALMERS (noticing the source)
I say, it appears three hunter green cocoons have rolled into your establishment.

VITO
Yo, whoa... I don't think those... are... whatever the hell you just said.

LORD CHALMERS
Then what, pray tell, might they be?

VITO (realizing)
GADFUCKINGZOINKS, BEYOTCH!

(As Vito, Johansson and Ledger book like Olympic sprinters, Lord Chalmers finds out the hard way what they be.)



Written by
MAVEN QUIBBLE

Produced by
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

Directed by
IVY DILLINGER