Information Day

Trash Talk from Victor Lembrey



Today's April 11th! 4/11. 4-1-1. Information Day! Get it? You don't get it? (You dial 4-1-1 for information.) Now do you get it? (Do you have any idea how cool it is to possess my level of cleverness? Plus, I'm bona fide, 24-7. Yeah, that's right. You heard me.)

Alright, check it: In honor of Information Day, some abbreviated scoopage on the day's history...

191 years ago, Napoleon Bonaparte abdicated as emperor of France and was banished to the island of Elba. On Elba, he invented his famous complex. Short guys have been assholes ever since.

107 years ago, President William McKinley asked Congress for a declaration of war against Spain. He famously stated, "Screw those Spaniards. I want to be remembered for more than just my eventual assassination."

44 years ago, Bob Dylan made his singing debut in New York City, boldly paving the way for irritating, incoherent, inebriated vocalists.

35 years ago, Apollo 13 blasted off on a mission to the moon that was cut short when an explosion crippled the spacecraft. Assholes with Napoleonic complexes have been saying "Houston, we have a problem" ever since.

25 years ago, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors, thereby dramatically reducing office usage of the phrase "smokin' tits."

24 years ago, President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House, twelve days after he was wounded in an assassination attempt. To make up for lost time, he courageously ate two weeks worth of jelly beans in one sitting.

Today, at Fenway Park, the Boston Red Sox play their home opener against the New York Yankees, but first, they'll raise their 2004 championship banner and get their World Series rings. In a neat coincidence, teammates Jason Varitek and Trot Nixon will also celebrate birthdays. (Varitek turns 33; Nixon 31.) Actors Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore, stars of the baseball-themed Fever Pitch, are expected to pretend to care.