Five Letters to God

Fiction by Ivy Dillinger



1
June 20, 1994
(Age 6):

Dear God,

My name is Carolyn but you know that.  Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?  Please send me a bunny.  I deserve it because I never asked you for anything before.  You can look it up.
 
2
November 12, 1998
(Age 10):

Dear God,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, but you know that I've been going to church every Sunday, so I hope (I'm positive) that that counts for a lot.  My parents told me that I should write to you at least once a week, and I promise I will be better about doing that. I was very good to my brother yesterday.  I helped him clean up his room and I shared candy (my favorite).  Talk to you later!
 
3
August 2, 2000
(Age 12):

To the Divine Entity It May Concern,

Can I be honest with you?  It's weird to write to someone who never writes back.  It's starting to bug me.  Not that I deserve special treatment, but it would be way cool to get a sign, something to let me know you're there and I'm not wasting my time with writing and praying and stuff.  There's lots of other stuff I'd rather be doing.  I could list them, but whatever.
 
4
September 12, 2001
(Age 13):

Hey God or whatever the hell your name is,

I hate you because you don't exist.  You can't exist. And if you do exist, I hate you more.  How could you possibly allow that?  I HATE YOU YOU FUCK.

5
March 22, 2004
(Age 16):

Dear God,

I don't know how else to approach this.  I guess I don't have anyone else I'd feel comfortable talking to about this.  So I'm back to writing to you. Obviously.

I really haven't been thinking about you at all lately.  I started to not even feel guilty about it. But Jenny and I saw The Passion of the Christ last Saturday and it freaked me out.  We were taught about Jesus in school and stuff, so I always knew about you and what happened, but it never really seemed real. And when I saw the movie, I realized that I never really thought of you as Jesus before, as someone who really existed.  As someone who was alive and walked the earth.  I always thought of you as God, as sort of a big abstract force or something.

The suffering you went through was enormous.  I cried. I don't understand why you had to go through that.  I don't understand how you can be so forgiving.  I don't understand what the point of life is and why so many people who are religious can be so mean and judgmental and close-minded.

I'm too old for childish things so I won't be writing to you anymore.  I'm giving up journals altogether, I find them annoying and they make me depressed.

Please know that I'm trying hard to be a good person. What does church have to do with anything?  I've seen lots of people go to church all the time who are totally jerks.  I don't think if I'm not religious it should be counted against me.  I think I love you, but I don't know you, so I can't see how you can expect my love.  How can I love somebody I don't know?  But I do feel something, and I wanted you to know.

That movie made me cry a lot.  I don't know if it's real.  I guess I don't know anything.

Anyway, take care.  And I'm truly sorry if you think I'm a bad friend.

Sincerely,
Carolyn Love