Hoedown

A Juxtaposition by Victor Lembrey



INT. LAW FIRM; CORNER OFFICE
A LAWYER paces as a FARMER rotates crops.

LAWYER
How long is this gonna take?

FARMER
Just be patient.

LAWYER
I'm losing my patience with you telling me to be patient.

FARMER
What should I say? What do you want me to say?

LAWYER
Nothing. Just get it done.

FARMER
That's what I'm doing. Getting it done.

LAWYER
I can't believe I'm doing this.

FARMER
You? I'm doing it! You're doing zip.

LAWYER
Dude, I'm a lawyer. I do plenty.

FARMER
Ever milk a cow?

LAWYER
No.

FARMER
Then shaddup.

(The farmer inexplicably splits his pants.)

LAWYER
Enough jabber and pants-splitting, farmboy. Just keep working.

(The lawyer leaves. An hour later, he returns...)

LAWYER
Done yet?

FARMER
No.

LAWYER
No?

FARMER
What I just say?

LAWYER
How friggin' long does this take?

FARMER
I'm rotating crops! In an office, no less! What the hell do you expect?

LAWYER
I expect what I expect.

FARMER
And what the hell is that?

LAWYER
What the hell is what?

FARMER
What the hell do you expect?

LAWYER
I expect what I expect.

(The farmer splits his pants again and rushes the lawyer and hits him with a hoe. The farmer's arrested for assault. The lawyer sues the farmer for compensation for pain and suffering. Unacquainted with other attorneys, the farmer hires the lawyer to represent him in court. The lawyer successfully defends the farmer, thereby costing himself significant coinage. Green Day's "American Idiot" kicks in as everyone heads to the bar.)