A Conversation You Wouldn’t Expect

Imaginative Eavesdropping by Maven Quibble
Author of How To Win 11 Billion Dollars!



TOM
Pass the marmalade.

KATIE
Sure.

[Silence as Tom spreads marmalade on his rye toast. He takes a bite and speaks:]

TOM
You know what bugs me? What’s really freaking me out?

[Silence.]

TOM
Well?

KATIE
Go ahead, I’m listening.

TOM
No, you’re supposed to say, "Tell me, Tom, what’s really freaking you out?"

KATIE
Are you kidding me?

TOM
I don’t kid. Unless it’s scripted. Then I kid like nobody’s business.

[Katie sighs.]

KATIE
Tell me, Tom, what’s really freaking you out?

TOM
This Lenin stuff.

KATIE
Lenin? The communist?

TOM
Bingo. He’s been, I guess, "mummified" is the word. Mummified in Red Square since the twenties. On display in a mausoleum. Tourists check him out all the time.

KATIE
I know, I’ve seen him.

TOM
Really?

KATIE
We did a Creek where Dawson gets pissed and moves to St. Petersburg. Lowest ratings ever. Cool experience though.

TOM
So Putin… He’s like, the current head guy in Russia…

KATIE
I know.

TOM
Putin’s considering getting rid of him. Burying him for good.

KATIE
Really?

TOM
That’s what I hear.

[Katie sips her chamomile and thinks.]

KATIE
I don’t think that’s a good idea.

TOM
Why not?

KATIE
Lenin’s a big part of Russia’s history. Sure, he was a fanatic, and unnecessarily ruthless, and a real dick, but he wasn’t as bad as Stalin. And he needs to be remembered. When you don’t acknowledge your past, especially the bad parts of your past, it’ll definitely lead to similar problems in the future. In my opinion, that’s one of Russia’s big problems. They seem to not want to learn from their mistakes.

TOM
But what about the guys who embalm Lenin? Won’t they lose their jobs?

KATIE
I guess they would, yeah.

TOM
Well that’s just fucking ridiculous. How fair is that?

KATIE
I guess it’s not fair, Tom.

TOM
Damn right, it’s not fair.

[Tom eats his toast; Katie sips her tea.]

TOM
How do you know stuff like that?

KATIE
Stuff like what?

TOM
Stuff like… You know, like why it’s not a good idea to bury Lenin.

KATIE
It’s just my opinion.

TOM
But it’s smart, you know? You sound smart, like you know what you’re talking about.

KATIE
What’s your opinion?

[Tom finishes his toast, then flashes a brilliant smile and laughs.]

TOM
I love that marmalade! That’s my opinion!

[He rises and kisses the top of her head.]

TOM
Got lines to learn, babe. See you later.

[Katie watches him leave. She pats her pregnant stomach, then watches a leaf as it falls to the ground.]