The Mountebank and You

A Query by Victor Lembrey



Okay, since it's obvious I'll never amount to anything, and since creativity literally oozes from every hole in my body, I've decided to occasionally impersonate the rich. I've decided if I can't be rich, I'll act rich. Occasionally. For fun. Because I deserve rich fun as much as any of those real rich bozos, right? I mean, don't I? Jesus.

I'll get expensive outfits and great shoes and make reservations at posh places. I'll walk in and attract attention and see women looking at me and decide whether or not I want to look back. My hair will look sweet. That messed up but cool look. And I'm not gonna be impolite exactly, but I'm gonna be a lot less polite than I normally am. Will cut down tremendously on my pleases and thank-yous. Minimum eye contact with regular people, people whose job it is to serve me. Fingersnapping - my new style. I'll need a sharp wristwatch and a high-quality turtleneck sweater. I'll learn about wines and teach myself French. I'll read a ton of self-help books. My exes'll wind up with Diddy. I'm gonna be RICH, goddammit!



See her? She's gonna want me. She's gonna want me so bad it's gonna be ridiculous. She'll be all like, "I need it NOW," and I'll be all like, "Can you get off me for a second? Jeeze! I got stuff to do and stuff." And she'll start crying hysterically. Then she'll drop her undies and shake it. Because I'm RICH, goddammit!



See him? He's John friggin' Stamos. He's gonna look like CRAP compared to me. He's gonna say, "Vic, how can I be like you? How? HOW? I NEED TO KNOW! I NEED TO LOOK AND ACT AND TALK AND WALK LIKE YOU!" And I'll say, "Dude, get comfy with second-rate. It's your only hope." And I'll be rich and successful and handsome and funny and everything I ever wanted to be!



2005 is coming. What do you want to be?

...tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...