A Crash Course in Lameness

A Mini-Seminar by Ivy Dillinger



First, interrupt every conversation you happen to pass. Say, "That's nothing! Check out what happened to me!" Then spit when you talk. Closely follow the spitting with an unacknowledged burp. Now you're really cookin'. If there's a way - any way at all - you can manage to force someone to smell the inside of one of your shoes, by all means, do so.

Borrow money and don't pay it back. If asked to pay it back, say, "Who?" Actually, no matter the question, no matter the circumstance, always reply, "Who?" Case in point: "Hey, have you called the garage yet about scheduling an oil change?"

"Who?"

Beautiful. Be sure to drive 50 in the fast lane. Be redundant - say stuff like "8:30AM in the morning." Urinate on public toilet seats. Return merchandise without a receipt. Call women "broads." Tell extremely long jokes with sub-par punchlines. Always be late. Say, "Well, hello there." Tape professional wrestling. And last, and certainly not least, blog your ass off.