Speaking French with Pisser

An Interview by Ivy Dillinger
Director of Publicity, BDFC



NOTE: The original images of Pisser are no longer available. They've been temporarily replaced with images of Nicole Kidman. Hopefully, new images of Pisser will be available soon.

It's been said that good writers are hard to find (and trust me, it's been said, even though for the life of me I can't find out who said it), but that certainly hasn't been the case during my initial blogging days. The one and only Pisser the Wonder Kitty is a jazzy stylist who shoots her opinions from the hip with the lyrical stylings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. She's funky fresh! Get to know her as we speak a little French...

IVY
The Pissed Kitty Cometh truly illustrates your descriptive quirkiness. (Office drones are "normal-formal pantywaists" with "manicured, cowlike wives." I love it!) Do you revise your posts a lot, or does the first thing that pops into your head usually stay on the page?

PISSER
First of all, I love it that you actually READ the blog...! And no, I revise like a madwoman. I have OCD, I'm sure of it. It needs to stop. There are about a bazillion typos and formatting errors when I first publish, though, because I don't believe the WYSIWYG editor on Blogger, and the way I write makes the spellcheck (and everyone else) go berserk. So I have to revise a lot or I go mad. I go mad, anyway. Mad. MAAAAAD... need brains for Master...!



IVY
Besides the "eerily perfect Asian HR woman" (with not a hair out of place), describe some other office stereotypes who totally creep you out.

PISSER
I dig this question deeply :) Well, now that I work in production, everyone is some kind of weirdo and there are no stereotypes... well, no office stereotypes, at least. The stereotypical production type is self-important, snooty, and talks on their cell phone headset much louder than is necessary so that the whole at large can hear them name-dropping and cream themselves with envy. That is, when they aren't zipping around town in their luxury sports cars, still name-dropping loudly on their cell phones and calling everyone "baby" while driving like assholes and generally behaving as if they are curing cancer instead of merely casting Gwynnie Paltrow in the new Lifetime adaptation of Tonya Harding's life.

Sorry. That was wishful thinking there.



PISSER (continued)
Erm, as for office stereotypes, though... basically anyone who takes their job too seriously. An example would be the scary older woman I used to work with at Disney. She severely creeped me out. Aside from always wearing open-toed shoes with her huge, bulbous, pastel-polished Jordan Almond toenails sticking out, she was a master of projection. Every time she accused me of wrongdoing or shafting work off on her, it was actually her own behavior she was calling out. She would sigh, "HARRRRUMPPHHH" like a menopausal hippo every time I asked a question or gave her work to do, yet she was always trying to shoot sunshine up my ass - and when I cursed a blue streak she would say, "MICKEY wouldn't do that." And she was serious.



PISSER (continued)
Or the pedantic, pathetic types like the man in OFFICE SPACE who kept crouching in his basement cubicle and muttering while protectively petting his stapler. Those guys scare me because they are obviously going to snap any minute and either keel over from a massive coronary, or murder everyone in the building with an open stapler.



PISSER (continued)
I don't think the Dragon Lady, a 50-something who spent all day in Backstreet Boys chatrooms, was a stereotype. She was one of a kind. I hope.

IVY
What reality show would you most like to appear on?

PISSER
You know, I've already been on Blind Date and Judge "Asshat" Mathis... let us pray that neither one is EVER broadcast. I was, however, shown on a BBC magazine show, talking about the time my Grandma Esther went to a whorehouse in Nevada by mistake. That one I don't mind so much.

IVY
Bald or deaf? Choose your affliction.

PISSER
For me, or for my *drooling* LOVAR...? If the affliction's for me, then deaf. For my intended, bald. But maybe the relationship would last longer if we BOTH were deaf. Then deaf it is.

IVY
If a serious, intelligent person asked you to explain why a woman has never been President of the United States, what would you say?

PISSER
I was going to say that unfortunately, cock runs the world. And cocks up the world, forever and ever, amen. But then I read the "serious, intelligent" part of the question. So now I'm stumped.



PISSER (continued)
If you've noticed, my blog isn't exactly Hot Abercrombie Chick. Er. Heh. I mean, it isn't a forum for serious political discourse. But if you insist...

I guess I'd have to say that women still aren't taken seriously at all by most of the world, and not exactly dead-seriously by our own country. We are still viewed as petty and unreasonable and our moods are written off to PMS instead of legitimate concerns. What is being overlooked is that our sensitivity often works for us. They call it "women's intuition" for a reason.



PISSER (continued)
I really admire and respect women like Ann Richards, Hillary Clinton, and Madeleine Albright who can pull it all off and still give the good ol' boys a run for their money. It must be next to impossible when we're expected to do everything as well - or better - than men, and still take care of our families and look good while we're doing it.



PISSER (continued)
Talk about unreasonable... look at Janet Reno, how she was heckled for her looks. She's a serious, professional woman - did people really think her time would have been better spent primping than attending to her official business...? Meanwhile, I can show you multitudes of toadlike men on Capitol Toad Hill, and while they may be heckled for their lack of grooming on occasion, no one really expects them to do anything about it. The attitude is that men can look like narsty toads and wear roadkill on their heads to work, Donald Trump, like a Tardasaurus Rex - but for a woman to do the same is considered unacceptable.

Sorry, Ivy. I guess you touched a nerve!

IVY
No apology necessary! Okay... who have you been TOLD you look like, and who would you LIKE to look like?

PISSER
When I worked on set, where people have an uncontrollable urge to run around labeling everyone by type, I was constantly told I looked like Illeana Douglas, who makes me puke. Which is sad, because she has a decent career as an indie film lesbo queen, and I should be jealous of that, I suppose. Oh, and she can act!



PISSER (continued)
I've also been told Natasha Lyonne, which is fine - and just today, Kelly McGillis. (Again, with the Tom Cruiseweasel! Oy!) I think the guy who said that is legally blind, though. I'm a wannabe Nicole Kidman, that's pretty obvious. Which is impossible, because first of all, that dame has class. Secondly, she can act. Thirdly, I can't do it - I like to eat. And my mouth is way too big for my face. And I have no desire to kiss a ten-year old kid while nekkid in a bathtub. Or have rhinoplasty. Or Tom Cruise, for that matter. He just looks like a tuxedoed weasel with talent.



IVY
(Dear Readers, see what I mean by "descriptive quirkiness?") Next question: name a few professional athletes you find incredibly sexy.

PISSER
You know what? None. Zero. Zip. I don't even know their names. You say "sports" to me my mind automatically goes to its happy place, where there are lots of fluffy happy animals and cheese platters and questionably shaped Mylar balloons. The only ones I can even name are John McEnroe (because he used to hit his orange juice with his tennis racket when he was pissed; that's pretty darn funny), Gabrielle Reece (worked with her on AIR BUD: SPIKES BACK - she didn't do it for me, either), Kobe (too rapey) and Anna Kournikova, who is a cunt and once told all of us working on her gay boyfriend Enrique's music video to "shut the fuck up." Just 'cuz some people kept shouting "LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA!" at him. True story.



IVY
Now rant! Get some things off your chest!

PISSER
What, you think I can go off, just like that? What am I, a ranting machine? Is that all I am to you? A pissy automaton?! Well, I'm not going to take this bullspooge from you, little missy! And I bet if pisses you off when people call you "little missy"! Kind of like how it pisses me off when people call me "ma'm"! It makes me feel old, and dumpy, and like I should just start wearing denim jumpers and grazing, and pooping in a field! That's right - and don't put it past me! I only have two months 'til I'm thirty. If you think I'm bugshit crazy now... just you wait! Hotdarncornchickencrapandfudgedangit-!



(I mean, thank you, Miss Ivy, for the lovely interview. Crumpet...?)