The Unfortunate Pitch

A Gag by Victor Lembrey



The following letter was sent to an editor at Shape magazine during the summer of 2003:



Dear Ms. Eagan,

No matter how great you look, when you're over 25 and your address is still the same as mom and dad's, it's not exactly hip. Truth is, many young professionals are still living with their parents - and ashamed to admit it.

Even on a decent salary - something in the range of $40,000.00 - it's hard to keep pace with the image of normalcy projected by advertisers and popular TV shows. Your own place, stylish clothing, a gym membership... It's easy see why more and more twenty (and even thirty) somethings are opting out of expensive rents and opting in for the free ride of sprucing up the old attic.

I'm planning an article, tentatively titled "Running with a Homeboy," roughly 1,000 words; a comic comparison of the embarrassment of living at home vs. the wisdom and health benefits of the same. Recalling my own experience of living at home through my late fifties, and the lies I'd told to hide it from my numerous girlfriends for fear they'd break up with me, I'll also be describing my training program for the marathons I breeze through.

I'm a 59-year-old freelancer living in Montpelier. I've published fitness articles in Men's Health and Redbook, and have completed four marathons. (My fifth, the Concord Marathon, approaches in October.) Based on a recent article I read in your magazine ("Will You Get Fit Faster Running Solo Or With A Buddy?"), I thought this one would be perfect.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Fred Randazzo



The following letter was sent in response:

Dear Fred,

Thank you for sending your query. Unfortunately, I will not be able to use your piece. So, good luck with your running endeavors, and... good luck with getting a life.

Sincerely,
Pamela Eagan