The Cute Noise Survival Kit

by Victor Lembrey
Survival Specialist



1 bullhorn
1 rainbow wig
1 adult diaper
1 dozen eggs (white or brown, your choice)
1 wiffle ball bat
12 orange wiffle balls

"Cute Noise" is defined as "any variety of unnecessary and overly-theatrical sounds - spoken or otherwise - that occur at inappropriate times, and give the sounds' creators feelings of devil-may-care coolness while slowly driving those within their audible radius completely loco in the coco." ("Coco" is defined as your brain.)

Let's face it, "pent up" is an awful description - one you should avoid at all costs. It's never a good thing to keep negative emotions in check. So when early morning rabble-rousers - those odious, misguided attention-mongers - tweak the flow of your nocturnal emissions and push your buttons, don't fight it. Just go with it. Realize you're not gonna get any sleep. Embrace it. And most importantly, turn it around.

First, put on your rainbow wig and adult diaper. Then grab your bullhorn, eggs, bat and balls and run out onto the street. At a safe distance from the nincompoops, announce something ridiculous through the bullhorn. "Now see here! Y'all boogie-woogie bitches best be rememberin' my birthday!" Something like that.



Immediately start hitting the orange wiffle balls at them. You have my word: swatting the balls will feel incredibly cathartic. As the confusion escalates, grab the bullhorn again. "I know all your mammas! And I'm telling!" Trust me, nothing strikes fear into our collective psyche faster than "I'm telling your mamma." We're hardwired from childhood to cringe at its snitch-like sound, to feel a knowing sense of guilt and impending doom.

Now that your "cute noise" culprits are on the ropes, it's time to deliver the knockout punch: pelt their rope-a-doped asses with eggs! Seriously, if you've never hurled an egg across a considerable distance and watched the ocher explosion as it collides with your intended's noggin, you're not living life to the fullest.

The items in my Cute Noise Survival Kit are sold separately. Savvy shoppers can get them all for less that $20.00! So what are you waiting for? Get yours today!